#63. DTR and other acronyms

Sometime ago, my wife and I were watching an episode of Friends and one of the issues afflicting someone in the cast (Ross, to be exact) was having to "define the relationship" with a girlfriend of his, or DTR, as my wife informed it is known in the Christian circles.

Since I didn't grow up as a Christian (As a good Cuban, I was raised Catholic), I had no idea of such an acronym. In light of that, I think we should come up with some new ones.

AWIAR? - Are We In A Relationship?

OWLM - Our Worship Leader is a Metrosexual

MPBY - My Pastor is Better than Yours

DBD - Dan Brown is the Devil

BYOB - Bring Your Own Bible

Can you think of anymore?

Another update

Hi there, you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. I apologize for that. Honestly, it's been lack of time. I've got another blog and I'm also working on a book, plus I also write devotionals for my church.

Anyhow, if you have any ideas you would like me to write about, please don't be shy and submit them. Thanks!

#62. Prosperity Gospel Teachers, a secret document

In one way or another, I have spoken about prosperity teachers in many other blog entries. My verdict? They preach a false gospel that cheapens the true gospel of redemption and salvation of our souls. Furthermore, I don't understand how can someone read the Bible and really think that the whole point is that God wants us to be rich and live comfortable lives. How does that happen?

Fortunately for you, I've found a secret document used by some of those prosperity teachers. Some of the verses and characters have changed:

1-Suffering and Persecution
Whenever the word suffering appears in the Bible, it should be read as "enjoy." Likewise, when the word "persecution" appears, it should be read as "a spanking new mansion." So for instance, when the Bible says, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." In the prosperity gospel it means, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will enjoy a spanking new mansion."

2-Moses
According to the secret document, Moses kept all his riches from when he was in Egypt and this is why his face was shining most of the time. He was mad at the creation of the golden calf because Aaron and his crew had stolen Moses' Egyptian loot.

3-Abundant life
The word abundant no longer means "full," as in full of trials and suffering and all things in this life both band and good. No sir, "abundant" now means, "A Mercedes Benz and some bling on my wrist."

4-MTV Cribs
When Jesus said that He had nowhere to rest his head, he didn't mean that he didn't have a home. In fact, God wants you to have many homes, the more the better! What he meant was that he had so many houses under his name, that he didn't know which one to go to. It can be a daunting task to decide. Pray.

5-You'll always be healthy
According to the document, you are supposed to always be healthy. Jesus healed all the people who asked him to. He even raised Lazarus from the dead! And since the logic follows that believers NEVER get sick, it is rumored that Lazarus is still alive and hiding. He may be in Pakistan in a house near a military base.


What else do you think this document said? You might know more than you think!

#61. When worship leaders leave the church and the pastors ignore it

Remember that guy that had the voice of an angel and the looks of a mix between Sting and Lady Gaga? Remember him? He was your worship leader for 5 years, but then one Sunday, he wasn't there. And then he wasn't there anymore.

Of course, you expect your pastor to acknowledge this and explain what happened, but nothing. He acts like the tone deaf lady who's now in charge of worship was there all along. So where does that leave you? Well, all you can do is wonder. Here are some possibilities as to what happened to your former worship leader. Of course, we would never think he left because he was offered more money by another church, or because he had a disagreement with the pastor. No, we'll think holier things.

Solving the mystery

1-He got carried to heaven a-la-Elijah. If so, make sure to get dibs on the mantle, or in his case the microphone.
2-He felt called to simpler things and now plays an ukulele with an unreached "tribe" in Hawaii.
3-He's auditioning for American Idol, and that way you can get excited for a "real" Christian on the show.
4-He's in a monastery somewhere in the Fij ilands.
5-He committed to a one year vow of silence.
6-He stopped buying and using a gallon of hair products and now sends all his money to charity.
7-He got married and has 17 kids who take all of his time.

Has this happened to you? Has a church leader left unexpectedly and your pastors never brought it up?

#60. Non-Christian email addresses

I have a non-Christian email address, so it's possible that many of you hate me right now. I'm sorry. What does it mean to have a Christian sounding email address? Here are some examples below:

1.Redeemed4Real
This is a great example of a saved email address. There's the clear mention of redemption and just in case someone had doubts, there's the "4Real" part. By using the "4" you're also showing that you're very much hip and relevant.

2-WWJDWAEA
This translates to, What Would Jesus Do With An Email Address. It's kind of a hassle to give your email address to someone, but that only makes you look holier. Good job.

3-Halleluyers45
This is more for the urban crowd of believers. By adding your favorite number, you are personalizing your ghetto praises. Fantastic.

Okay, but seriously, it doesn't really matter what your email address is, unless of course you use a curse word or something like that. An email address does not relate at all to your spiritual standing in the eyes of God. So please, stop hating me for having a regular email address.

My favorite ones so far...

-People who don't like C.S. Lewis
-Rob Bell
-People who predict the end of the world
-Being Judged because You Use the Table of Contents
-Your "theologian" friend
-Feeling Guilty About Throwing Away Your Old Church Bulletin
-Dan Brown

#59. Youth pastors or leaders without a goatee

Close your eyes, now try and remember your youth pastor. Does he have a goatee or some sort of facial hair? If the answer is no, then you have been lied to. That guy could not have been your youth pastor.

I'm exaggerating of course, but in my experience, every youth leader or youth pastor that I've met had a goatee, beard or mustache. Maybe that's part of the contract? Some sort of modern age levite rite? If you're reading this and have a passion for the youth and feel called to serve and lead them, then remember these few things:

1-Grow a goatee.
2-When you talk, use your hands a lot.
3-Try and say, "What's up" whenever you can.
4-Also, when appropriate, say "Yo" a couple of times.
4-Yell for 90 percent of your sermon.
5-Be super-competitive when playing sports.

Anything else I forgot to add?

#58. People who predict the end of the world

This post was originally featured in my friend Heather's blog, here. But since the it's an appropriate time, I'm sharing it here with you!
---

My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said: “May 21, 2011 – Judgment Day!” I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine’s Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.

But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There’s always some self-proclaimed expert and “prophet” who predicts the end of the world. Those “prophets” have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there’s many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.

If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you’re so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.

Question 1:

When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father,” what do you think that means? (Mark 13:32, NKJV) Seriously, when he says “no one,” do you think that means, “no one, except for Timothy Kratz in the year 2011, who’s a really clever guy. He’s so cool. He only buys Apple products?”

Question 2:

When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?

Question 3

Are you crazy? I’m not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. So maybe that’s something you may want to look into. Just talk to someone about it before your make an order on the billboards.

All I’m saying is that God’s word is pretty clear in this matter. As believers, we shouldn’t just follow anyone who claims to know something special that is not revealed in scripture. Let us trust God’s word and measure what anyone says against it. Have you seen any of these billboard ads? And how do you think people come up with all these dates?

#57. People who say they'll "pray about it" but mean no

Me: Can you help me move this table?
Friend: Let me pray about it.
Me: What? Why?

Some people hate confrontation so they won't say "no" to anything you ask, but instead will say, "let me pray about it." By the time their prayer time is over, you already moved the table out of harm's way.

Of course, there are many legitimate times when we need to pray about something. The Bible does tell us that we need to be in constant prayer, but don't use that as an excuse to not do anything.

Go ahead and pray, but please help me move that table!

Who really writes this blog

Since Blogger didn't leave me a choice, my true identity is now revealed. My name is Israel Sanchez. Besides this fun blog that I enjoy writing, I also write other ones. Maybe you've heard of this one:

Love Doesn't Let Go

#56. "This is the Air I Breathe" or overplayed songs

If I hear once again, "This is the Air I Breathe," or "Open the Eyes of my Heart," I think I may "accidentally" set the church on fire. Okay, no, I wouldn't do that, but I would maybe throw up a little bit.

Don't get me wrong, those are magnificent songs, but after you've heard them one hundred thousand times, then you are bound to get tired of them. Worship leaders reading this, please spare your church members the temptation to become pyromaniacs. Do not overplay a song to the point that whenever you sing it all they hear is, "blah, blah, blah blah blah, blah."

Sure, there are songs that are amazing and that really get you in the presence of God, but after a while, you need to find a new one. Give the old song a break. Don't overplay it to the point that it becomes numb, that it loses its appeal. Please, we want to remain as outstanding citizens.

How about you? What song does your church overplay all the time?

#55. Calling everything "Relevant" or "Postmodern"

You probably know someone who speaks like this, "Dude, that song is so postmodern."

That guy, or girl, uses all these fancy terms whenever describing things relating to the church, even the most trivial of things. "That little kid knows how to engage the culture in a postmodern way when talking about Dora the Explorer." What? That kid is five years old.

I understand that at times you want to use certain terms to explain things in the church, but don't overdo it. Just call things as they are. Not everything has to be labeled "relevant" or "postmodern." Of course, you're probably not listening to me and now are labeling this post.

#54. Bad drivers with a Christian fish

Big cities are notorious for traffic and bad drivers. But nothing is worse than being cut off by someone with an ichthus, also known as the Jesus fish. Seriously, when this happens to me, and it happens often, I have to fight the urge to tell them to be fruitful and multiply! Indeed, many times our Christian love, or lack thereof, is measured by our driving right after Sunday service is finished.

Think about all those lovely people who maybe even prayed with you during service, but in the parking lot, it seems more like an episode of The Amazing Race.

Of course, dear readers, we have to set the example. We have to show love to our parking lot and traffic enemies. We must hold our tongue and let it go, but I know this is a hard thing to do in the heat of the moment, especially if your car has no A/C. So, for the purpose of lowering our anger and restraining our tongue, I've come up with a list of alternative things to say.

1-"Take that ichthus off if you're going to drive like that!"
2-"You must believe in evolution because you drive like a monkey!"
3-"Loving your neighbor includes not crashing into them!"
4-"I don't have a fish symbol, but my driving is holier than yours!"
5-"Hey, look everyone, it's Judas at the wheel!"
6-"Thou shall not drive!"
7-"I really hope you don't go to my church!"

Can you think of any other, not so offensive, things to say? Have you been cutoff by someone with a Christian fish?

#53. Being told "this message is for you"

The pastor is preaching a powerful message, and it could be about anything, and in the middle of it, your friend turns around and looks at you and says, "You heard that? That was for you!"

That's a classic line. That friend of yours always manages to find a sermon that fits everyone, except for him. He has different moves too. He can turn around like he just did, or he can elbow you, or he can slightly incline forward on his seat and challenge you in an undesirable and prolonged eye contact battle.

So what can you do? Here are some helpful techniques;

-Avoiding the audible move
Once you realize that there's a punchline coming, or someone is being called a "heathen" by the pastor, assume that your friend will turn around and say, "You heard that? That was for you!" To avoid that, as soon as the pastor make his point, put on your iPod on really loud. This will frustrate your friend. He would them attempt another technique.

-Avoiding the elbow
The church elbow is probably the most infamous technique and also the most dangerous. It involves someone invading your personal space and injuring your ribs. To avoid this, as soon as your friend begins his move, you use an arm lock and then keep him there throughout the duration of the service.

-Avoiding the evil eye
Even after the arm lock, he may try his final move on you: intense eye contact. After the arm twisting, use your free arm to put on your Raybans and just in case, close your eyes. He will be defeated!

#52. Christian versions of existing things

We love to make versions of things that already exist. I don't know why that is, but it's very sad. It's like saying, "Hey, we couldn't come up with this original idea, but we're going to Christianize it."

So, please, don't come out with a "Faithbook," or something like that. "Facebook" is not inherently evil. Facebook is just a medium that people use to express themselves in different ways. Some people use to communicate and keep in touch with loved ones, while others use it to feed their narcissism and even plot evil things. But again, that's not Facebook's fault, but the users.

How about we come up with original ideas? So, no, don't come out with a Christian Twitter, please. What does that even mean? You can only speak in King James language? Does your Christian Twitter name has to be Biblical? If so, I got dibs on Habakkuk, sounds mysterious.

What do you think of this?

#51. Preaching out of thin air

Preaching is not always an easy thing. Believe it or not, I've preached several times, and it requires a lot of studying and prayer time. It is very rewarding and I love it. Thus, I'm never quick to judge a preacher on his deliverance (the content of the message is something else entirely).

It takes work and I respect all preachers who take their jobs seriously, as they should. But have you ever heard someone preach a sermon on a Bible text that doesn't exist? Say what? That's right!

Not too long ago, I used to attend one of those "name it and claim it" corporations, I mean church, and this happened to me. The preacher was well into his message, quoting different parts of Scripture and at one point, near the climax, he asks everyone to turn to "Mark 17:20." He said it twice, "Mark 17."

As you may have guessed, there is no "Mark 17," but this did not deter this preacher to give a convincing message. He went on for another half hour talking about the passage of scripture that doesn't exist. Did anyone else notice? I felt like raising my hand and saying, "Excuse me, but you kind of made up the last part of your sermon." At first, I felt bad for him, but then I didn't raise my hand afraid people would stone me or something like that. They really, really blind follow this guy, even when he preaches from a non-existent chapter of the Bible.

Has this ever happened to you?

#50. People who don't like C.S. Lewis

If you have a profile on Facebook, have a Twitter, or a blog and you never once have quoted C.S. Lewis, repent now and go on a binge of quoting him. Seriously, do it now, and then come back and finish this post.

Finished? Okay, now that you're one of us, you can read the rest of this entry.

People who actually don't like C.S. Lewis must not like chocolate, honey nor rainbows. They must hate smiling, spending quality time with good friends and family, and they probably hate children too. It sounds like I'm describing Hitler, but it may well be your next door neighbor, because not liking C.S. Lewis equals all those things I've described.

But as the Bible, and C.S. Lewis I might add, would say, we need to love our neighbor. So, in order to show love to your neighbor, I've come up with a plan to encourage their growth and respect for C.S. Lewis, thus their love for all things good and sweet. Every week, evaluate their status updates on Facebook, Twitter, Blogger and any other social media outlet. Don't expect them to say they love C.S. Lewis right away, but instead, look for a gradual increase of their love. Below, are some examples of status updates to look for:

1-"I love Narnia!"
2-"I'm a Christian, so I love C.S. Lewis"
3-"I was born in Narnia."
4-"I really love the land of Middle Earth" (Tolkien references are accepted)
5-"The Return of the King is my favorite C.S. Lewis book."
6-"I've never read Mere Christianity, but I'm no mere Christian."
7-"Every day I hide in my wardrobe for two hours thinking of Narnia."
8-"My t-shirt reads, 'Team Aslam'"
9-"The Chronicles of Narnia are my favorite chronicle."
10-"The Screwtape Letters are the best letters I've read, strangest too."
11-"To be or not to be - C.S. Lewis." (This is borderline acceptable)
12-"Narnia is a sate of mind."

Can you think of anything else to encourage and love your neighbor? Do you know anyone who doesn't like C.S. Lewis? Send them this link!

Update numero 2

Okay, so I haven't written in a while. But not quite a while like the other time. Honestly, I've been busy with other writing that I do. But to be fair to all of you, and to entertain you, I think I shall develop a habit of updating this blog three or four times a week.

Also, when I reach 100 followers, I shall reveal my true identity to the world. Spread the news!!

#49. Small churches that want to be megachurches

Your tiny, small church, Holy Church of All Ages and Eternity, has got a fever, and no, the only prescription is not more cowbell. I wish, that would be easy. Your church has the megachurch fever. Sadly, success in most American churches is not measured anymore by faithfulness, endurance, loyalty and truth, instead success seems to be measured by how many people are in attendance, regardless of what you have to do get them there. There's nothing wrong with a church that grows into "mega" out of a healthy and Godly growth. What's wrong is when churches grow out of manipulation.

If all you care about is numbers, not really the souls of people, then the list below is for you. But please, don't call your building a Christian church. Just call it a "Sunday morning gathering for uplifting entertainment."

Guide for the Sunday Morning Gathering Uplifting Leader

1.Preach that God wants to make you rich. Nothing gets more people in the building that someone twisting Scriptures to make it sound like God wants to make them rich. "Want a new car? Well God wants that for you too! Just visualize it! See the car! Make the sounds! Vroooom! Vroooom!"

2.Preach that you'll never get sick. This is also a popular way to increase your attendance. Tell people that since Jesus heals, then a believer must NEVER get sick. This implies that a believer then can never die, but don't follow that logic since Peter and Paul are not around anymore. If a person in the church does get sick, then blame their lack of faith.

3.Create more services. Nothing says "Mega-Church" like ambition. Just go ahead and create two more services. Who cares if no one goes except for the worship team? What matters is that your web site says that you have multiple services.

4.Minimize the talk of sin and hell. Better yet, never talk about sin, repentance or hell. Just tell everyone that God wants to make then happy. Tell them that by becoming believers, they will be rich, healthy and can attend a multiple number of services.

5.Tell them that "Love Wins." Yes, I had to go there. Just be like Rob Bell and tell your congregation that it doesn't really matter what they do, or even what they believe, in the end, everyone is going to heaven and they're going to have a big party prepared for them.

Can you think of any other ideas to make a church "mega" while compromising Christianity?

#48. Sermons via sattelite

This is a tough one. There are pros and cons. In my church, for example, many times the sermon is preached by the executive pastor via satellite. I like this for one thing and for one thing only: I can eat the doughnuts and drink my coffee without having to feel guilty. There's no eye contact. The lights are dim and most of the people around me are doing the same thing.

However, when there's a live pastor on stage, I feel guilty with every bite. Is he looking at me? Will he make a general comment about eating during a sermon and look right at me? Will he call me out in front of everyone? No wonder my stomach hates me later!

That's the pro. Now the con, it just doesn't feel the same when the pastor is not there in front of you. Sure, the message may be the best thing next to the Sermon on the Mount, but there's no sense of real community, there's no sense of the closeness that happens when people are together in a room. No matter how great technology may be, nothing can replace human contact and interaction. Executive pastors should trust campus pastors enough for them to preach the message each week, they should not feel the need to control everything. It is God's church. He will grow it.

And well, this probably means that I won't be able to have my coffee and doughnut in peace, but that's okay, I've gotten used to my stomach hating me.

#47. Saying "good luck" to others

Maybe this doesn't happen to you because, either you don't really care, or you never thought about it before. But some of us, from time to time, will regret that we said a particular phrase to another Christian brother or sister. That phrase is, "good luck."

Why do we dreaded sometimes? Well, for starters, it implies that we believe in superstition. It implies that we leave things to "destiny" and not to the sovereign will of God. With this reasoning, we might as well throw an astrological prediction. "Hey, good luck on that test. And by the way, Saturn is the dominant planet for you. Don't go out jogging tonight."

Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating. "Good luck" is just a phrase, you don't really mean to say that you're leaving things in the hands of fate. It's just a nice thing to say to someone, even if they are believers.

However, for those of you who still feel a bit guilty when you say it, I have come up with a list of five alternatives. Instead of saying "good luck," you can say one of these phrases.


1-"Let the will of the Lord guide you in that exam."
2-"Blessings on that test of yours."
3-"An army of heavenly hosts are with you."
4-"Good blessings to you."
5-"Blessed are you when you take that exam."

Can you think of any other phrases? Have you felt slightly guilty too?

#46. Near death experience books

I'm not going to name these books because I happen to be a gentleman, but a few google searches can lead you straight to them. Why don't we like these books, although a large majority of other Christians do?

Well, first of all, their description of heaven is not even close to the few glimpses we have in the Bible. The book of Revelations talks about angels that look strange and majestic. However, in these books of "heaven," there's no majesty and the angels look like something out of a Hallmark greeting card. Plus, what do you do with verses that say, "it is appointed for men to die once and then the judgment?" (Hebrews 9:27)

In these accounts, heaven seems like a place where you can get Krispy Kreme doughnuts and strawberry ice cream. Sure, those things sound delicious to me, but is that really what heaven looks like?

Also, these books seem to create a cult of personality. People flood to these authors as if there's something special to them, some divine revelation that was only granted to them. The Bible should be the source of all revelation. People who preach "new things," are dangerously close to starting their own religion. I mean, that's how the Mormons got started.

What do you think of these books? Are you the type of person that enjoys them? I don't want to sound judging, I'm just doing what the Bible says, test every spirit. Do these books hold up compared with Scripture?

#45. Rob Bell

Unless you've been living under a meteorite, or were stuck in a bunker like that movie Blast from the Past, then you've heard about the Rob Bell controversy. With all that stuff out there in the blogger world, I figure that you should know the real reason why we don't like Rob Bell.

First, let's look at three reasons that we don't really mind about him:

1. He looks that annoying guy from the Verizon Wireless commercials.

Almost like twin brothers, eh? The only reason that guy never got punched in the face is because he was wearing glasses. But I'm willing to bet he got close a couple of times. The first time we saw that commercial, it was kind of funny. But by the hundredth time, it was tired and very irritating. So yeah, the Verizon guy is annoying but that's not Rob Bell's fault.


2. The way he writes

Just because,

Rob Bell writes

like this

with very short lines

and no real paragraph breaks

doesn't mean

that we don't like him.


3. His Nooma videos

Sure, the first couple of Nooma videos were different, they were cool; they were post-modern! But after a while, Bell's metaphors got more and more complicated and he would get "revelation" out anything. Is that an old record player in the corner and a picture of a clown hanging on a wall? Don't worry, Rob Bell will teach you something from there. Seriously, dude, come on. But even that, we forgave.


Why then don't we like him?

Simply put, in his new book, he claims that people get a chance to be saved after they die and that there really is no hell, that everyone gets into heaven. Not only is this doctrine false and deadly, its logic implies that Jesus died in vain. That's why we don't like Rob Bell. Unless he repents and changes his view and accepts the Jesus of the Bible, he is a false teacher.

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Credits go to my wife, Mrs. Fakuff, for the picture montage.

#44. Outdoing Your Testimony

You know your friend Jim well. You know his testimony. He grew up in a Christian home, but he was saved from the dangers of religion and works-type salvation mentality when he was 16. He never got into drugs or drinking. He was never into any of that partying stuff. However, you've noticed that his testimony has changed a bit since then.

-Jim's testimony: Take 1, this time with 3 girls as audience.

"I remember that I was in such a deep place. I needed a way out. I was so desperate. So I started skipping school and drinking. I drank while I skipped school. I was such a rebel without a cause, such a bad boy. I almost bought a motorcycle and a red leather jacket. And then I got I saved."


-Jim's testimony: Take 2, this time in front of the entire church audience.

"I remember that I was in such a deep place. I needed a way out. I started smoking cigarettes, then I started doing drugs and even drinking alcohol. I was always getting into fights with the kids from the neighborhood. I almost got a tattoo, and then I turned 12 and got saved."


It's obvious that your friend Jim suffers from OYTS (Outdoing Your Testimony Syndrome). It's a terrible condition makes Christians compete with each other to see who has the "best" testimony, which usually means more dramatic. Apparently, these brothers have forgotten that a soul saved from hell, whether from partying or religion, is what truly matters.

Know anyone like Jim?

#43. Churches without refreshments

Remember that time in the Bible where Peter and John fought over the last doughnut? Oh, no, right, that never happened. But our hip churches nowadays are all about turning church into Starbucks. And there's nothing inherently wrong with that, except of course, when your motivation to go to church early is to grab the last doughnut before your friend Tom does. Surely, you must be breaking like two commandments right there.

If people leave churches because they don't like the music and for other trivial things, it won't be long until people leave churches because they have better food somewhere else. And while kind of funny, it's really very sad.

Bob: Hey, how's your church?

Tom: Do you mean food-wise?

Bob: Of course I do!

Tom: Oh, well it's pretty amazing! This Sunday is Mac & Cheese Sunday and for dessert I think we're having frozen yogurt.

Bob: Dyn-O-Mite!!

Okay, pardon the Good Times reference, but you get the point. I really hope my prediction is not true. I pray people may fall in love with Jesus and His church and with food.

#42. A question of children

As you know, first, you're asked "when are you going to get married." Once you finally found your spouse and think you've avoided further awkward questions from your eager church going friends, the week after the honeymoon someone asks you: "When are you going to have kids?"

Really? Dude, I just got back from my honeymoon. I can see why you would ask that, but first, um, boundaries. And second of all, that's kind of personal and certainly not something you should ask me everytime we meet. Do you have amnesia? When I say, "I don't know maybe in a year or two," do you think I meant, "maybe in a Sunday or two?"

Seriously, what's wrong with you? And does this ever stop?

When I finally have children, are they going to ask me, "when are you having grandchildren?" My son is 2, he's 2, I'd say. But that won't stop them, would it?

#41. The announcement guy who wants to be a pastor

Let's say you have a friend named Bob. Bob is a nice guy, loves his family, serves in the church. Everything was fine, a la Pleasantville style, until Bob was asked to be the announcement guy. It is apparent that your friend Bob is a frustrated pastor.

Somewhere along the way he may have heard the "call," but hit the ignore button instead. But you have no idea about Bob's frustration. You're at church, you go through the awesome worship and you're waiting to hear your pastor's 1 hour long message. Nothing wrong with that picture , so far. But then, they call Bob to make some quick announcements, and instead you get a half hour preaching, before the real preaching!

Bob's announcement card reads:

"Children's ministry moved to Room 2B"

What Bob says:

"Good morning everyone. How are y'all doing? That's good to hear! I just want to let y'all know tha the Children's ministry was moved to Room 2b. Now that's interesting because if you remember from your Bible, the children of Israel were moving constantly. First, they went through the desert, which was supposed to take only a few days but instead it took them something like 40 years give or take..."

Do you have any "Bob's" in your church?

#40. Prayers that are a sales-pitch

In every prayer group there's an undercover salesman, or saleswoman, to be politically correct. At first, it's not easy to spot this Donald Trump in sheep's clothing, but that's until they open their mouth. Everyone prays about real issues and struggles, and of course, there's the prayer hero who takes about 35 minutes praying about his need to spend more time in prayer.

Finally, when it comes down to the undercover brother, here's what he says: "Lord, I thank you for all your blessings. I want to pray that I may sell my iPod Nano 4th Generation for only 80 dollars. You know that I need the money and no one is bidding on eBay currently. Also, I want to pray for 1998 Toyota that I'm also selling. I pray that my phone number may be in the minds of others supernaturally, and my number is...."

That's pretty crazy, isn't it. This sounds like when Jesus saw people selling a bunch of stuff outside of the temple. Do you think it's okay to flip some tables when we listen to this guy's prayer?

Whoa

I just wrote a brilliant post and after I hit publish and everything, it doesn't show up! It's like I never wrote it! What's going on?!

#39. People who don't like Braveheart

If you don't like the movie Braveheart, then you sir need to revise your beliefs. You don't like Braveheart? Are you kidding me? You don't like the story of a man that sacrificed his life for his belief, a man that well, sure was a bit violent and obscene at times, but left it all for a just and wonderful cause?

And didn't you know that this movie was made by pre-insanity Mel Gibson? What? You still don't care?

Where's your heart, sir? Where's your heart?

An update

Hi there! I apologize for the long silence. It's been a busy season, but as my wife lovingly reminded me, I need to continue on this wonderful project that I started. If you have any ideas, any suggestions on new topics, that would really help. Also, I want to thank my 5 followers, you guys truly rock!

#38. Not knowing what to do during online church

I'm not a big fan on online church. First of all, because you'll certainly lack the benefits and fellowship of community. And second of all, because there are no written protocols on how to behave.

If you are an avid supporter of online church, then I have some questions for you.

1-When the worship leader asks everyone to stand up, do you also get up from your bed?

2-Is surfing the Internet in a different tab, as you watch the sermon, a sin?

3-When they bow their head in prayer, is it okay for you to grab some Doritos?

4-When asked to say hi to the person next to you, do you pretend there's someone else in your house?

5-If you don't like their selection of worship songs, can you mute the video and use some from your iTunes library?

Oh, there are so many questions! Are you a supporter of online church? Or, do you have any questions for such supporters?

Grow up!

Hi there! One of my posts was featured at Grow Up 318! Go check out Heather's blog and tell her I sent you from here.

Here's the post!

People who predict the end of the world

#37. Being judged because you use the table of contents in your Bible

Your pastor asks you to turn to the book of Obadiah, but you're not even sure if he's being serious. Did someone just add a new book last year? Is there like a remix version? But alas, he is not kidding. So what do you do? Naturally, you turn to your Table of Contents. Bad move, bad move young one.

The person next to you shakes her head in dissapointment. She whispers something to the person next to her. They both laugh and look in your general direction. That's right, you have been judged because you turned over to the table of contents in your Bible. What do you do? Fortunately, I have some suggestions for you.


What not to do

-Don't say, "I can find the book of Psalms without looking!" Anyone can find the book of Psalms. It is conveniently located in the middle of the Bible and it has a lot of chapters, so all you have to do is open up your Bible to get there. Even a caveman can do it (If they were able to read and had a Bible).

-Don't quote sayings that sound biblical but are not. Example, don't say, "I love it when the Bible says, 'God helps those who help themselves.'" Not only does the Bible not say that, but you may encounter some theological discussions in your path.


What to do

-Memorize every book of the Bible. That's right, the entire thing. Other people may memorize verses, but you my friend, you will know where every book is located, page number and everything!

-Tell them that you went Dead Poets Society on them! You completely ripped out the entire table of contents of your Bible. You don't care for it! As Mr. Keating would say, "Be gone J. Evans Pritchard, Ph.D. Rip, shred, tear, rip it out!"


That was an awesome movie, wasn't it? Anyway, have you ever used the Table of Contents? Have you felt judged? Have you judged someone else?

#36. When you're single and people try to marry you off

If you're a Christian and you're single for more than five minutes, then there must be something wrong with you. Not really, but that seems to be mentality in most of our churches today. There's always a conspiracy between your married friends to "hook you up" with someone. At first you don't really notice it. You think that your friends don't have a secret agenda with your life planned out. But if you pay attention, you can see the signs.

-When you go out to the movies

You went out with a large group of people to the movies. Just some brothers and sisters in Christ spending some time in fellowship. That's what you think! Suddenly, the scenario changes. Every one of those people quickly pairs up with someone else, leaving you alone with the other single person that was tricked. Guess what? They also saved you a spot next to each other so that you can watch a romantic comedy side by side.

-The things in common

There's the classic, "you have so many things in common" line, even when those "things in common" can be shared with about 1.5 other billion people in the world. For example, your friend will tell you something like, "She goes to church, just like you. She has a Bible too! What's yours ESV? So it's hers! Match made in heaven, or what?!"

-The "romantic" stalker

Some people in church are creepy. That's a fact. For some reason, some of your friends don't see that and want to set you up with unique individuals. Your friend Christine may want to set you up with a stalker/creepy guy that you don't even know. "So he wrote you a letter saying that God told him in a dream that you belong together? That's so powerful! And he carries a picture of you that he took from your little brother's wallet? How romantic!"

Have you had a similar experience?

#35. People who pretend they don't watch TV, but secretly do

Have you ever felt judged because you watch television? Not too much television, but just because you own a TV? It happens, my friends, it happens. It can be subtle at times, but other times it's just plain blunt.

Me: Hey, did you see The Office last night?

Bob: What is The Office?

Me: Are we on Jeopardy? Just kidding. Hmm, the office is a TV sitcom. It's really funny.

Bob: I don't watch TV. I spend most of my time reading or in silent meditation. Many times I'm praying for people like you who give away so much time to the consumer-driven culture of our time.

Me: A simple no would have sufficed.



What usually follows that kind of exchange is this: The following week, you stop by Bob's house without announcing it. Maybe you're friends with his roommate or something like that. When you walk in, expecting to find Bob in the Lotus position, you find him glued to the couch in front of a 52" plasma TV with a Bose surround sound system.

It turns out that Bob was just a poser.

#34. Seeing someone from the church you left

There was an old church you used to go to, but one day your eyes were opened and realized that it was sort of a scam. Every sermon preached was about prosperity and how to make a better you, and how you can be happy and how you can lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks, and how you can look younger...and, you get the idea. It was all about you and about money. No sin, no gospel, just a prayer in the end to accept Jesus as your savior. I suppose a savior from poverty and low-self esteem.

Anyway, you left that place without really saying goodbye. In one of their praise-a-thon, when people started throwing money at the preacher, you just got up and left.

Fast forward six months later. You're finally free from all those lies but you run into one of your old church members. This guy wasn't really your friend, but you were acquainted with him, so he remembers you. The thing is, you never told anyone you left. For all you know, they think you're a heathen who left the faith. How do you handle this?

Fortunately for you, I have come up with some suggestions:

1-Go Jackie Chan on them

Don't know what "Jackie Chan" means? It's pretty simple. Let's say you see this person when you're out buying your groceries. They haven't seen you yet, but if you take a couple of more steps in the same direction you'll be busted. What do you do? You go Jackie Chan on them. If you have to climb up a wall, or dive into a display of cereal boxes, then you must! Sure, you may have to help clean up later, but your old friend Bob won't even know you were there.

2-Jason Bourne-them

If you can't "Go Jackie" on them because they saw you, then you must use the Jason Bourne technique. You walk right pass that person, and if he calls you by name, you turn around and have a blank stare on your face. The more blank the better. Just pretend you have never met them before or that you have amnesia, or that you are a trained government assassin that has amnesia and has never seen them before.

3-Jack Bauer-them

This is the ultimate technique and one that I seldom recommend. If none of the other two steps worked, then you have to go Jack Bauer on them. When they confront you about leaving the church, you grab them by their shirt and start yelling, "Tell me what you know! Tell me what you know!" This will certainly terrify your friend Bob and he'll never invite you back to the old church.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? What techniques have you applied?

#33. The Power Team

(We'll end the month with some powerful stuff! Thanks for reading and for linking to your friends!)

Remember that time when Elijah told Elisha, "Hey, watch me rip these yellow pages in half and see how awesome our God is?" No? Me either, because it obviously never happened. Not only because they didn't have yellow pages then, except maybe for actual paper that turned yellow, but also because Elijah was not part of The Power Team.

I know, my life is in danger by writing about them in a negative light. But I got to keep it real, son.

The Power Team consists of guys who are so muscular that it seems they did P90X, 90 times. Please read that sentence again. These guys go to your church, tear apart yellow pages, bend spoons or something like that and all this is supposed to make you wonder how awesome God is.


But actually, what everyone wonders is:

1-What is going on here?

2-Why are they so mad at a phone book?

3-What kind of steroids are they taking?

4-Does Jose Canseco know about this?

Have you seen their performances? Were you spiritually transformed? And if you're a member of The Power Team reading this, please don't beat me up.

#32. When someone pulls out the "G" card

Every once in a while someone will pull out the "G" card and they're serious about it.

My wife: I wonder why water is so good for you. You know? Maybe the composition of the elements? Why do you think it's so good, honey?

Me: Because God made it!!

I could have said, "Booya!" at the end of that statement. I was joking with my wife, of course. Yes, God did create water and everything else we see, but she wasn't asking me about that. She just wanted to know my thoughts on the elements that make water so healthy, so necessary.

The reason I answered her like that was because we had recently spoken of someone pulling the God card on me. And they meant it. In other words, you're having a regular conversation with other fellow believers and you have a genuine question that can be answered with the reasoning of your created mind, but instead someone throws out the "G" card.

Example 1:

Me: I lost my wallet. Have you seen it?

Friend: Seek first the kingdom of God!

Me: What?


Example 2:

Me: I'm concerned with the suffering of those orphans we heard about yesterday. We've got to do something.

Friend: But God wins in the end!

Me: Why are you doing this to me?

Obviously, as a Christian I know that God wins in the end, but those orphans need our help today. That was just really unnecessary and kind of a jerk thing to say. Have you had a similar experience before?

#31. Feeling guilty about throwing away an old church bulletin

For how long are you expected to keep your church bulletin tucked in your Bible? Is it wrong to throw it out right away? These are some challenging questions. I feel guilty about throwing it away right after the sermon, but should I feel guilty? It's not like I'm throwing away my Bible.

This guilt has plagued me for a while. I used to keep so many of them tucked in the back pages of my Bible, that it became a hassle to carry it around. People would know I was around because of the paper trail. The bulletins were exploding out of my Bible and wanted to end their lives in a dignified way. Recycled, that is.

My wife takes notes, so she keeps hers for a while. But I don't take notes, or if I do, I take a notebook for that. So my bulletins are just pieces of papers with directions to fill in the blanks. But, since they came from a church, is it wrong to throw them away right after the service?

I'm not sure. I don't think anyone knows. It is unknowable. To be on the safe side, I keep about two weeks worth, then I start eliminating them. Sometimes I walk to the trash can in shame, hoping my wife does not notice the blasphemy I'm about to commit. But she knows. And she still loves me. And I think that's freeing me.

Have you ever felt this way?

#30. When someone takes your seat at church

You've been sitting at the same pew of the Holy Church of All Ages and Eternity for about 12 years now. Although no one has assigned seats, everyone knows that the last pew on the third row is yours. Even when you can't make it because you're sick, people know to respect your spot.

But that all changes when new people start coming to church. And the one day you come in a little bit late, guess what happens? Yup, someone just stole your seat. At least that's what you feel like. Someone just broke the eight commandment right in the middle of the sanctuary. The nerve!

To avoid this tragedy from happening again, here are some things you can do:

1-Tag your chair

Any regular sharpie would do. Just write your name on the back of the chair. That way, if someone pulls the old, "Oh yeah? Does this chair have your name?" bit, you can say yes, and proceed to show them the evidence.

2-Mark your chair

This is a bit extreme, but it's worth it. Just bring your dog and make sure he does his business around the legs of your chair. Yeah, you may need to wear a dust mask for a week and bring some for the rest of your aisle, but you would have made your point.

3-Take your chair

That's right, just take your chair. That is, if you can physically remove it from the ground. It depends on the church. The following Sunday your aisle will be down on chair. Going away on a business trip? Well, you don't have to fly coach anymore. You have just made up your own class. And that's classy (The Office reference, kudos if you get it.)

Can you think of any other methods to prevent this from happening? How can you keep your spot saved? (pun!)

#29. Not having a prayer request during a small group

It was a heart-breaking small group meeting. Everyone opened up about their issues. Tears came out. Tears came out, I said. One by one, each person shared a part of their hearts and now they're all sharing prayer requests. As they take turns and you await yours, you realize that you really have no pressing matter to bring up to the group. There's no real emergency right now in your life, plus your spouse already talked about the things that affect both of you.

But what do you do? Are you going to be the only one in the room without a prayer request? Are they going to think that you think you're better than them? Did your spouse just elbow you? Unless you're a prayer hero, then you know what I'm talking about.

If you have ever found yourself in this situation you are not alone. Sometimes, you just can't think of a pressing matter to say. But alas, you have to fear no more. I give you the official Making Up Prayer Request Guideline (or MUPRG). The higher your score, the more chances you have of succeeding in this desperate situation. What would work for you?



The MUPRG Scorecard


1-You go for the classic, "I need to spend more time in the Word," request. = +2 points

2-You ask to please pray for your pastors, elders, deacons, youth leaders, parking volunteers, janitor and even the stray cat. = +4 points

3-You stare at the ceiling and pretend you're having some sort of revelation. = -2 points

4-You mention a Greek word and explain how that relates to your life in prayer. = +1 point

5-You say that you don't have a specific request because your whole life is a prayer to God. = -3 points

6-They encourage you to be open, that it's okay and you need not be afraid. = +2 points

7-You go for the classic, "I need more peace in my life," request. = +2 points

8-You say that, as you give a dirty look to your spouse. = +3 points

9-You ask everyone to hold hands and please pray for you. = +4 points

10-You don't say anything, but you silently shed one single tear. =+7 points

If you were in this situation, what would your score be?

#28. Being judged because of your Blackberry

If you see me using my BlackBerry during a church service, 98 percent of the time I'm using my Bible App. The other two percent I may be texting directions to a friend, or maybe trying to use my Shazaam application during the worship to figure out what song they're singing. It's all biblical related! Shazaam!! (I always wanted to use the name of that app in a sentence somehow)


I do admit, however, that not everyone uses their Smartphone for such noble causes. But just because some people are rude, does not mean that all of us are. So if you're like me and find yourself being judged by the people around you, there are several things we can do.


1-Tell it like it is

If the people around you give you a look of disbelief and shake their heads, it's okay to yell, "I'm reading my Bible! I'm reading my Bible!" It's also okay to participate in an informal Bible page-turning competition. When the pastor says a book and verse, you'll get there faster on your iPhone, so just simply state the facts. "First book of Corinthians chapter 13, in just 1.5 seconds."

2-Shine a Light

So the pastor dimmed the lights. The mood is now one of introspection. However, in that peaceful mood he asks for the church to open their Bibles and find a passage. Well, guess who has the only Bible with an LCD display? You do! As everyone else tries to squint their eyes to see in the darkness, you can even wear shades if you want to!

3-Go biblical on them

Now, if you really want to change things, there's definitely one direction you could take. Go to Seminary school, become a pastor, get hired, and when you're going to read your Bible to preach a sermon, pull out your new BlackBerry Torch. Oh yeah, Church 2.0.

Has this ever happened to you? Or do you know anyone who feels wrongly judged because of their phones during service?

#27. Friending "God" on social media sites

I don't know if this is happening on Facebook, but I remember that when MySpace was cool, I once got a friend request from "God." I remember that the profile picture was taken from Michael Angelo's Sistine Chapel and that Mel Gibson was his favorite director.

This person, posing as the Almighty, was leaving encouraging messages on the pages of all his "friends." I don't remember if he identified with any particular religion, but he certainly (or she), was leaving "inspiring messages" all over MySpace. And no, I didn't friend him. I mean, who would think of doing such a thing?

Here are three questions I would ask to that person who posed as God on MySpace:

1-Would God really make a profile on MySpace?

First of all, discounting how ridiculous that is, God would know that MySpace had the lifespan of a fruit fly. Why would he even waste his time joining such a ridiculous and boring site?

2-How arrogant do you have to be to say you're "God" on MySpace?

That's a bold move sir. That's a bold move. You could have posed as Tom Cruise, or even Chuck Norris, but to pose as God? Come on man, if that's not blasphemy then I don't know what is.

3-Did you condemn me because I didn't friend you?

I'm sure that there are many people like me who thought you were a weirdo on a pride trip. What do you think of us who denied your friend request? Is there a list you kept? Did you take my name off of the book of "MySpace life?" Oh no, wait, I did that. I deleted my account when I realized that the site had become a haven for pedophiles and narcissists lunatics.

For shame sir, for shame.

#26. Your "theologian" friend

Everyone has a friend who went to seminary school and likes to show off a couple of the theological terms he remembers. For instance:

Me: That was a really good sermon, wasn't it?

Theo: Well, I believe the exegesis of the text, in the context of the right orthodoxy, really shows a valid representation of the incarnation.

Me: Huh? So, you liked the sermon?

Theo: Do you mean, in relation to the hermeneutics in our postmodern world? Is that what you're asking?

Me: You're gonna need new friends.

Can't this guy just have a regular conversation? I might just make him a shirt that says, "I went to Seminary School," and maybe that will help. If your "knowledge" impedes you from having a real conversation, at least in understandable terms, then you need to sell those textbooks on eBay right away.

Do you know anyone like this?

#25. Gossip prayer requests

A gossip prayer request usually starts like this:

"I just want to lift up my friend Roger and his wife Martha. Roger has been struggling with an addiction to gummy bears and his wife Martha is not being supportive. On top of that, their daughter keeps updating her Facebook profile with comments about the deliciousness of gummy bears and then reading them out loud. So I just want to pray for them."

You see what happened there? Now the entire church knows about Roger's delicious addiction. And they also know that Roger's daughter is apparently kind of a jerk. This was not mere prayer request, this was gossip disguised as a prayer.

If you happened to be at this prayer meeting and witness this sacrilege, you should raise your hand and then pray this:

"I just want to bring Jimmy to your attention, for being nosy and rude and telling us about someone else's problem. I hope he may never have a gummy bear addiction, and that he stops gossiping for good. At least until Christmas."

And that's how you do it. Just put them out in the open. Do note that it may backfire on you. Your friend Jimmy may be so offended that he may leave the church and when he finds another one, hey may start a prayer with:

"I left my old my church because someone attacked my dignity..."

#24. The guy who always gets hurt at the youth retreat

Remember that youth retreat when that crazy guy from church tried to jump across the 5 girls that were laying on the floor? You'll probably answer: Yeah, but which retreat?

There's always that one guy who takes thing to the next level. He's only real competition is himself, since no one else wants to play baseball without gloves. Yup, he's that hardcore. But to be honest, it's not really his fault. The youth pastor and leaders in charge of the retreat are the ones that come up with all these crazy competitions. And talking about competitions, how's that supposed to encourage Christian love?

I don't see anywhere in the Bible Paul telling Peter, "Hey, whoever gets to Rome last is a rotten egg!"

So, instead of all these crazy competitions, I propose certain ideas to try and unite the youth.

1-Build An Ark

Nothing says brotherly love more than having a bunch of teenagers running around with nails and hammers. The structure may not be safe to submerge in water, let alone move, but at least the teenagers would have bonded. However, you may be accused of forced child labor. Handle with care.

2-Texting Standoff

How is this biblical, you may ask? Easy, gather the most notorious texters in your group and challenge them to text 3 chapters of Leviticus. But here's the catch, they can't use abbreviations. Although to be honest, I don't think they can use many "lol's" when dealing with purification rituals. It's competitive at first, but they will bond after their fingers have typed 87 times "and the priest shall..."

3-Challenge other youth group

A common enemy is what brings people together. Ideally, we would be attacking spiritual forces, but teenagers don't see much fun in that. So, find a neighboring youth group and go egg their church mini-van. Oh, the battle is on.

Do you have any more ideas? How else can a youth group bond and avoid any accidents?

#23. The guy who tells the pastor what to do

In almost every church there's that one guy who waits for the climactic moment in the pastor's sermon to yell, "Preach! Preach!"

This, of course, it's kind of awkward since this is exactly what the pastor had been doing for the past half hour. Was this guy not listening? Did he think the pastor wasn't preaching before? Is this guy crazy? If you happen to be sitting next to this guy, then it may be embarrasing for you when people look at your isle and shake their heads. And if you happen to be the guy who does this then shame on you sir, shame on you.

However, there are three things we can do if we are sitting next to his peculiar character:

Go on the Offensive

Before he even says anything and right in the beginning of the sermon, get close to him and yell, "Listen! Listen!" You'll probably be applauded by the entire congregation, including the pastor.


Extreme Action

Right before he yells his first, "Preach," just throw a hymnal book at him. Or even a shoe will do. Pretty much anything that can stop his crazy outburst. Some people may initially frown at this, but deep down inside they are whispering, "thank you."

The Next Level

Of course, if you really want to intimidate the guy, find out what his line of work is. If you're lucky, he'll be doing some crazy job, like a taxidermist. So go to his office and as soon as you see him, just yell, "Stuff! Sutff!"

What other things can you do to stop him from continuing his insane practice?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hey everyone! Happy Valentine's Day!

Thanks for reading! Now, go enjoy some chocolate!

#22. Sermons without Powerpoint

If you happen to visit a church and the pastor does not use PowerPoint in his sermon, it is okay to raise your fist and yell, "Blasphemy!"

Well, maybe not, but we have gotten used to PowerPoint, haven't we? If there wasn't a warning from God about people altering the scriptures, the Bibles of the next generation would say something like:

"And God gave Moses the 10 Commandments in 10 perfect slides using Microsoft PowerPoint BC."

By the number of pastors who use PowerPoint today, it almost seems that using it was a commandment. But to be fair, using it does have advantages. For instance, people can follow along when dealing with studies of Hebrew or Greek words. Or the pastor can show images to convey a message. But it also has a downside. A lot of people won't even open their Bibles at church because they can just read along in the big screen.

As for me, I'm old school. I'm not a big fan of PowerPoint-Sermons. How about you?

#21. Guest Speakers

Wouldn't it be amazing if someone could give you a call and alert you that your pastor wasn't going to show up next Sunday? One day, when I receive enough royalties from my books, I just may start a system like that. Kind of like a CIA for the church. (Feel free to use the CIA acronym to stand for something Christian)

I know we shouldn't care about the speaker and that our focus should be on the Word of God. But I'll be honest with you. If my pastor happened to be Francis Chan, then I would really be disappointed whenever we had a guest speaker. Of course, Francis Chan is no longer a pastor at Simi Valley so now I'm just mad all the time.

No, but seriously, I don't think it's such a bad idea to have people you look up to. Of course, we must be careful not to exalt those people, not to put them on a pedestal. But the Bible does tell us to respect and learn from each other. In fact, Paul even says, "imitate me as I imitate Christ."

I believe the goal of every Christian should be to live in a way that we can say that about ourselves.

How about you? Who are your role models?

#58. People who predict the end of the world

This post was originally featured on my friend Heather's blog, here. But since it's appropriate for today, here it is!
---

My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said, "May 21, 2011 - Judgment Day!" I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine's Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.

But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There's always some self-proclaimed expert and "prophet" who predicts the end of the world. Those lunatics have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there's many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.

If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you're so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.


Question 1

When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father," what do you think that means?

Seriously, when he says "no one," do you think that means, "no one else, except for Timothy Kratz who's a really clever guy. I mean, he only buys Apple products?" (Mark 13:32)


Question 2

When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?

Question 3

Are you crazy? I'm not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don't know they're crazy. So maybe that's something you may want to look into.

Now for the rest of us, who trust God's word, have you seen any of these billboard ads? And why do you think people come up with these random dates?

#20. Bibles Without Notes In Them

It is common knowledge in Christian circles that if your Bible doesn't have any written notes then:

a) You're a heathen
b) You're a heathen and a Philistine
c) You're a heathen Philistine whose Bible is really a medical dictionary.

Okay, that was an exaggeration. But actually, I'm one of those people who don't like to write in my Bible. In fact, I don't like writing in books period. It started when I was a kid. I fell in love with books and I always made sure mine were pristine. So when it comes to the Holy Book, I'm certainly more protective.

Of course, with my Bible being so neat, most people assume that I just bought a new one, or that I'm a new convert. But hey, some of us just don't like to write in books. Hmm, maybe that's why they invented the notebook. I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

#19. Pastors who don't like to use titles

Along with using the word "relevant," there's another thing some pastors do to make themselves seem more cool.

Christian: Hi there pastor Johnson!

Pastor: Please don't call me that. Call me by name.

Christian: Really?

Pastor: Yes, of course.

Christian: Alright, Bobby Ray Johnson, I have some questions on hermeneutics.

That was kind of awkward, wasn't it? Probably Pastor Johnson would have been better. I remembered once when a youth pastor wanted to try out this technique. After a week of the kids calling him by his first name, he felt that they were respecting him less. So, even more awkward, he had to ask them to call him Pastor _____ again.

Know any pastors like this?

#18. Regulars who park in the visitor's parking space

You're a responsible Christian and in order to save the best parking spaces for the visitors, you park half a mile away from the church. Not only that, but every hike to church is an exercise in faith. You must carry your Bible, notepad, and your wife's too. (Assuming she's carrying your newest born baby) You must also juggle all these articles, as you try to waive politely to all the other fathers doing the same thing. It's a tough job.

Finally, you make it to the front of the church and what do you see? Oh well, the guy who has been sitting next you in church for the past five years parked in the visitor's space. Oh and guess what, he's been doing it for the past 5 weeks. Now you're really angry but you're thankful you're carrying Bibles and notepads instead of a baby.

So what do you do about this? I offer some suggestions:

1. Subtle confrontation

At first, just be nice to your friend Tom. Maybe he's been having a rough five weeks and parking close to church is his only consolation. Never underestimate the power of proximity to a church in relation to the trajectory of a vehicle. Anyway, while you're sitting down just lean in close and whisper, "Tom, you better be having some emotional problem that makes you wanna park in the visitor's spot. We're watching you." And then smile, that's it.

2. Usurpation

If Tom continues to do the same thing, then the following Sunday you take his favorite chair in church. I know, I know. We're not supposed to practice an "eye for an eye," but dear Tom is pushing it.

3. Throwback

Finally, if by those two clear steps Tom doesn't get the message, then you must take it back old school. The following Sunday you arrive earlier than Tom and you lay down on the pavement of the visitor's parking lot. And you stay there all day until the service starts. Hey, that's how they did it in the 60s. Peace and love dude. Peace and love.

#17. A Small Family

It may be ideal for the average American to have about 2.5 kids (Btw, I never understood the ".5" part. Does that mean half a kid?). But for the Christian American, if you don't have 6.5 kids, then you're borderline heathen. ( I guess this post is for the most conservative of us)

Seriously, a large family is expected. After the pastor pronounces you husband and wife, then you're expected to deliver results the following year. It's crazy. However, I don't think my wife is very excited about having six kids. The most I could probably push for is three, and that may be after some serious talk about the importance of the number three in the Bible.

Of course, all the kids must have biblical names. The weirder the better. We got to make people spend some time on google searching for the meaning of each one. And just for your information, this would be the list of the ideal names:

1-Anathema
2-Shalisha
3-Mekonah
4-Teophilus
5-Boanerges
6-Zalmon

I'm definitely going to have a hard time convincing my wife on any of those!

#16. Televangelists

Everytime I flip a channel and see a televangelist I slowly get up and set my TV on fire. I've gone through a dozen already. Not really, but that's what I would like to do. It angers me that all this "name it, claim it" shenanigans is the Christianity that the world sees.

"You want your blessing? Then sow a seed into my ministry."

Maybe one day I ought to send them a seed. Perhaps a grapefruit or something like that. Why not take them literally?

Anyhow, I hope the world sees that Christianity is not about money. I hope they see that Christianity is about love. It's about a God who loves, a God who sent His only son to take the place for our sins.

#15. Dan Brown

If you open your Bible to the book of Revelation and then you flip it upside down, you'll see that 666 equals Dan Brown. Alright, I just made that up. But it's not much of an exaggeration. When The Da Vinci Code came out, almost every pastor in America went on the offensive. And I don't blame them, the book is certainly blasphemous.

But the popularity of the book also had a positive effect on believers; it made us dig deeper into what we belief and why. At least it made me stronger in my faith because it made me want to study apologetics. I was ready to defend the faith.

Of course, it was more fun to stand on a pulpit and burn the book, as some pastors did. If the church I attended had done something like that, I would have gone out and bought like a thousand copies. Wait, maybe that's why it became a worldwide bestseller. All the bonfires.

How did you react? How did your church react?

#14. The Prayer Hero

Every church has one. He sits quietly at most meetings. He just watches everyone interact. Now, when the time comes to pray, he brings out the prayer big guns. His prayer is so perfect that it sounds like a perfect SAT essay. It even seems like the guy hires Obama's speech writers for his prayers.

Isn't that one guy always there? You know who he is. He always starts with things like, "Dear Omnipotent, Amazing, Wonderful and Everlasting..." Half the prayer consists of adjectives.

But I wonder if God pays more attention to an elaborate and rehearsed prayer, than to one that comes from the heart.

A little child simply saying, "God I don't know how to pray like that man, but I love you," may truly move the heart of God. It's simple, but more important, it's real.

#13. Love Offerings

The collection plate just passed. Your wallet has suffered a serious casualty. And just when you're catching your breath, the pastor makes one more announcement.

"In regards to Mark and Jenny's mission trip, we will be collecting a love offering."

Oh no he didn't. A love offering. You can't say no to that. If he had used another word, "special" or even "sacrificial," everything would be okay. But he said "love offering." Now, you may seem unloving if you don't reach for your wallet one more time. Everyone's looking at you. Well, they're not, but you feel like they are.

You reach into your wallet and what do you find? Oh yes, the trusted friend of church offerings, George Washington.

#12. Admitting you like Harry Potter

This also applies if you have children who like Harry Potter. If you say that in a church meeting, you might have well said that you bow down to idols as you listen to heavy metal, while your Gothic girlfriend is applying more black nail polish.

No, but seriously, admitting you like Harry Potter is a big deal. I'm not saying that there isn't any questionable content that deals with black magic, but there are more serious issues affecting children today. And if your kids want to read Harry Potter, I believe you should warn them about your concerns, but you should allow them.

I spoke to someone recently who said that the only reason she read Harry Potter is because her parents and church didn't want her too. And guess what? She turned out just fine and recently visited the Harry Potter World in Orlando, Fl.

And yes, I plan on going soon!

#11. Conservative-looking Worship Leaders

Does your worship leader still wear a tie and a buttoned-up shirt? If the answer is yes, then it was a trick question because he's not your worship leader anymore. No way, not looking like that. Nowadays, the lead singer must look as metrosexual as possible.

He needs to wear skinny jeans, a pair of polka dots vans and his hair must have more gel than all the makeup Lady Gaga wears on one side of her face. If he has all that, then he is ready to lead us to an experience of worship like never before.

Oh, and let's not forget the V-neck shirt. That's a must. I'm sure you can find it on the book of Leviticus.

#10. Prayer Meetings

Face it, if there's a bake drive, a call to join a church softball team, you'll be the first one to join. Who can deny delicious cookies and underarm throwing?

But now, if the pastor calls for a prayer meeting, then you'll disappear faster than a chocolate bar outside of an elementary school. See, it's really hard for us to commit to a Saturday morning prayer meeting. Unless, of course, you're that old lady that's always in church. You know who she is, she sits in the front row and once in a while stands in a corner to pray.

But the rest of us have a hard time getting up early on a Saturday morning to spend time with God. And that's something we need to change.

#9. Churches that sound like...churches

If your church is named something like "Holy Trinity" or something biblical like that, then you're so 90s. Get with the program, dude.

We like churches that sound like a clothing store you find at the local mall. We go for things like, "The Meet" or "The Wall," or "Revolution." Also, anything that sounds like what could be a drink from Starbucks is accepted. "The Flood," for instance.

All I'm saying is, what happened to biblical sounding churches?

#8. Missing the blessing

Think of the most awful abomination. Got it? Well, if you thought not being told "bless you" after you sneeze, then you're correct. As believers, we don't want to miss any kind of blessing just to be on the safe side. So if you sneeze, you expect a "God bless you" or at least a "bless you" from the less religious.

If they go unnoticed, some people will fake sneeze a couple of times to make sure they get their blessing. It's the equivalent of clearing your throat to make a point.

So, please, if you hear a brother or sister sneeze, don't steal their blessing.

#7. Halloween

How do you stop kids from going around asking for candy? I mean, it's free candy. That's a pretty good deal. Now, there are many reasons both to support and to denounce Halloween, but on the majority, most Christians just try and pretend the day doesn't exist.

"What's that son? Oh no, October only has 30 days."

Okay, perhaps it's not that drastic, but you know what I mean. However, there's a small camp that is rising up to the challenge. What are they doing? Well, on the same day as Halloween these churches are having something called, October Fest or Fall Fest. And yes, you can go dressed up in costumes and you also get candy.

Hmm, October 31, costumes and candy...Fall Fest? I think not.

Look if you don't want to celebrate Halloween that's fine, but don't try and come up with a fake activity to disguise your love for candy. Just be real man, be real.

#6. Smokeless Youth Events

No one knows exactly when it happened, but at some point, there was a nationwide secret meeting with all the youth pastors. In this meeting they decided that every youth service was lacking something of extreme importance. No, it wasn't more biblical teaching, and not even more youth-related topics.

What was needed was one thing and one thing only: a smoke machine.

Okay, perhaps that meeting never happened, but the smoke machines came and they were heavily used, and still are. In one service I went to some years ago, there was so much smoke in the altar that I could barely make out the youth leader. All I could see was one little arm being waved up and down. I assumed he was trying to hype up the crowd, but now I think he was asking for help.

The only cool thing was that I was expecting the Smoke Monster from LOST to show up at any moment. Now, that would have been a memorable service!

#5. CNN

Doesn't CNN stand for Communist National Network? No? Well it certainly should. At least that's how we see it. Anything CNN says must be screened against whatever Fox news reporters have to say. And how can we trust Anderson Cooper with that perfectly white hair? There's no way he can keep that hair so white without any demonic powers. There's something going on there.

What do you think of CNN? Can it be trusted? And if you say it can be, then please explain Cooper's hair.

#4. When other Christians try to evangelize you

You're in Walmart doing some holiday shopping, just trying to get your things and get out, when someone makes eye contact with you. And then that person approaches you, and without any hesitation, they give you a fake $10 bill with a Gospel tract on it.

Yup, that just happened! Someone tried to evangelize you! You, out of all people who were born and raised in the church, maybe you're even a pastor!

Right now you're embarrassed and tell the guy, "hey, I'm on your side brother." And then he's even more embarrassed for trying to convert you.

Maybe we should come up with some secret hand shake or gesture, kind of like the Masons. Or just a slight fist pump in the air, something that would avoid the confrontation with a possible Christian evangelist. And while we're on the subject, evangelizing is a great thing, and we should all be doing it. And this is why we need some sort of signal, to keep our precious tracts in the right hands.

#3. Jehovah's Witnesses Knocking at Your Door

The "Email Surveillance" episode of The Office opens with a man in a turban making his way up to the office. Michael Scott, the manager, freaks out:

Michael: Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Jim: Are we in danger?
Michael: There's no time to think about it. This is real! Just shh, everybody.

And that's pretty much how we treat Jehovah's Witnesses when they approach our doors, as if a presumed terrorist is coming over to ask us to borrow some sugar. Granted, I know sometimes the JW's come a little early, but they mean well. They're just misguided. Maybe, just maybe a Christian can schedule a meeting with them and share the Gospel.

Of course, if you are going to share the gospel, please study the Word. Make sure you know which points the JW's stumble upon so you can correct the error of their ways, with love, of course.

And please, please, don't answer your door with a bad attitude, or with a super soaker water gun. Thank you.

#2. Talking about politics

You're having dinner with the family and a few close friends and everything is going well. That is until someone mentions the one thing that no Christian family ever discusses. If you guessed politics, then you are correct!

For some reason, any topic is welcomed at the dinner table, except for that of your political affiliation. Want to become member of a cult that only wears Snuggies and drinks hot tea with biscuits? That's fine, we can talk about it. But do not dare to bring up the subject of politics! Democrat, Republican, we don't care. Talk to us about some more cults or something.

This of course is ironic, since we live in a very political society and the Bible itself is filled with governors, emperors, kings and kingdoms.

Why do you think we avoid the topic?

#1. Really Long Sermons

Okay, before you begin your judgment, or saying, "you're just ripping off Stuff Christians Like," let me just say that yes, I am. The same way SCL started as a spin off of Stuff White People Like, I'm starting this blog with the same concept. Except, of course, this is about stuff that Christians don't like.

For instance, there's really long sermons. Once 11 o'clock hits, your body almost automatically jolts out of the seat. It's like someone lit your chair on fire (Pastors you may prepare a sermon on the lake of fire and leaving church early). Even the friend you dragged to church is confused by your automated convulsion.

"And now we'll dwell deep in to the Greek text," by that line, you're dwelling deep in your mini-van already. Your friend may not make it with you. Hey, but that's understandable. Some get left behind!