#62. Prosperity Gospel Teachers, a secret document

In one way or another, I have spoken about prosperity teachers in many other blog entries. My verdict? They preach a false gospel that cheapens the true gospel of redemption and salvation of our souls. Furthermore, I don't understand how can someone read the Bible and really think that the whole point is that God wants us to be rich and live comfortable lives. How does that happen?

Fortunately for you, I've found a secret document used by some of those prosperity teachers. Some of the verses and characters have changed:

1-Suffering and Persecution
Whenever the word suffering appears in the Bible, it should be read as "enjoy." Likewise, when the word "persecution" appears, it should be read as "a spanking new mansion." So for instance, when the Bible says, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." In the prosperity gospel it means, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will enjoy a spanking new mansion."

2-Moses
According to the secret document, Moses kept all his riches from when he was in Egypt and this is why his face was shining most of the time. He was mad at the creation of the golden calf because Aaron and his crew had stolen Moses' Egyptian loot.

3-Abundant life
The word abundant no longer means "full," as in full of trials and suffering and all things in this life both band and good. No sir, "abundant" now means, "A Mercedes Benz and some bling on my wrist."

4-MTV Cribs
When Jesus said that He had nowhere to rest his head, he didn't mean that he didn't have a home. In fact, God wants you to have many homes, the more the better! What he meant was that he had so many houses under his name, that he didn't know which one to go to. It can be a daunting task to decide. Pray.

5-You'll always be healthy
According to the document, you are supposed to always be healthy. Jesus healed all the people who asked him to. He even raised Lazarus from the dead! And since the logic follows that believers NEVER get sick, it is rumored that Lazarus is still alive and hiding. He may be in Pakistan in a house near a military base.


What else do you think this document said? You might know more than you think!

#61. When worship leaders leave the church and the pastors ignore it

Remember that guy that had the voice of an angel and the looks of a mix between Sting and Lady Gaga? Remember him? He was your worship leader for 5 years, but then one Sunday, he wasn't there. And then he wasn't there anymore.

Of course, you expect your pastor to acknowledge this and explain what happened, but nothing. He acts like the tone deaf lady who's now in charge of worship was there all along. So where does that leave you? Well, all you can do is wonder. Here are some possibilities as to what happened to your former worship leader. Of course, we would never think he left because he was offered more money by another church, or because he had a disagreement with the pastor. No, we'll think holier things.

Solving the mystery

1-He got carried to heaven a-la-Elijah. If so, make sure to get dibs on the mantle, or in his case the microphone.
2-He felt called to simpler things and now plays an ukulele with an unreached "tribe" in Hawaii.
3-He's auditioning for American Idol, and that way you can get excited for a "real" Christian on the show.
4-He's in a monastery somewhere in the Fij ilands.
5-He committed to a one year vow of silence.
6-He stopped buying and using a gallon of hair products and now sends all his money to charity.
7-He got married and has 17 kids who take all of his time.

Has this happened to you? Has a church leader left unexpectedly and your pastors never brought it up?

#60. Non-Christian email addresses

I have a non-Christian email address, so it's possible that many of you hate me right now. I'm sorry. What does it mean to have a Christian sounding email address? Here are some examples below:

1.Redeemed4Real
This is a great example of a saved email address. There's the clear mention of redemption and just in case someone had doubts, there's the "4Real" part. By using the "4" you're also showing that you're very much hip and relevant.

2-WWJDWAEA
This translates to, What Would Jesus Do With An Email Address. It's kind of a hassle to give your email address to someone, but that only makes you look holier. Good job.

3-Halleluyers45
This is more for the urban crowd of believers. By adding your favorite number, you are personalizing your ghetto praises. Fantastic.

Okay, but seriously, it doesn't really matter what your email address is, unless of course you use a curse word or something like that. An email address does not relate at all to your spiritual standing in the eyes of God. So please, stop hating me for having a regular email address.

My favorite ones so far...

-People who don't like C.S. Lewis
-Rob Bell
-People who predict the end of the world
-Being Judged because You Use the Table of Contents
-Your "theologian" friend
-Feeling Guilty About Throwing Away Your Old Church Bulletin
-Dan Brown

#59. Youth pastors or leaders without a goatee

Close your eyes, now try and remember your youth pastor. Does he have a goatee or some sort of facial hair? If the answer is no, then you have been lied to. That guy could not have been your youth pastor.

I'm exaggerating of course, but in my experience, every youth leader or youth pastor that I've met had a goatee, beard or mustache. Maybe that's part of the contract? Some sort of modern age levite rite? If you're reading this and have a passion for the youth and feel called to serve and lead them, then remember these few things:

1-Grow a goatee.
2-When you talk, use your hands a lot.
3-Try and say, "What's up" whenever you can.
4-Also, when appropriate, say "Yo" a couple of times.
4-Yell for 90 percent of your sermon.
5-Be super-competitive when playing sports.

Anything else I forgot to add?

#58. People who predict the end of the world

This post was originally featured in my friend Heather's blog, here. But since the it's an appropriate time, I'm sharing it here with you!
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My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said: “May 21, 2011 – Judgment Day!” I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine’s Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.

But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There’s always some self-proclaimed expert and “prophet” who predicts the end of the world. Those “prophets” have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there’s many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.

If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you’re so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.

Question 1:

When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father,” what do you think that means? (Mark 13:32, NKJV) Seriously, when he says “no one,” do you think that means, “no one, except for Timothy Kratz in the year 2011, who’s a really clever guy. He’s so cool. He only buys Apple products?”

Question 2:

When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?

Question 3

Are you crazy? I’m not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. So maybe that’s something you may want to look into. Just talk to someone about it before your make an order on the billboards.

All I’m saying is that God’s word is pretty clear in this matter. As believers, we shouldn’t just follow anyone who claims to know something special that is not revealed in scripture. Let us trust God’s word and measure what anyone says against it. Have you seen any of these billboard ads? And how do you think people come up with all these dates?

#57. People who say they'll "pray about it" but mean no

Me: Can you help me move this table?
Friend: Let me pray about it.
Me: What? Why?

Some people hate confrontation so they won't say "no" to anything you ask, but instead will say, "let me pray about it." By the time their prayer time is over, you already moved the table out of harm's way.

Of course, there are many legitimate times when we need to pray about something. The Bible does tell us that we need to be in constant prayer, but don't use that as an excuse to not do anything.

Go ahead and pray, but please help me move that table!

Who really writes this blog

Since Blogger didn't leave me a choice, my true identity is now revealed. My name is Israel Sanchez. Besides this fun blog that I enjoy writing, I also write other ones. Maybe you've heard of this one:

Love Doesn't Let Go

#56. "This is the Air I Breathe" or overplayed songs

If I hear once again, "This is the Air I Breathe," or "Open the Eyes of my Heart," I think I may "accidentally" set the church on fire. Okay, no, I wouldn't do that, but I would maybe throw up a little bit.

Don't get me wrong, those are magnificent songs, but after you've heard them one hundred thousand times, then you are bound to get tired of them. Worship leaders reading this, please spare your church members the temptation to become pyromaniacs. Do not overplay a song to the point that whenever you sing it all they hear is, "blah, blah, blah blah blah, blah."

Sure, there are songs that are amazing and that really get you in the presence of God, but after a while, you need to find a new one. Give the old song a break. Don't overplay it to the point that it becomes numb, that it loses its appeal. Please, we want to remain as outstanding citizens.

How about you? What song does your church overplay all the time?

#55. Calling everything "Relevant" or "Postmodern"

You probably know someone who speaks like this, "Dude, that song is so postmodern."

That guy, or girl, uses all these fancy terms whenever describing things relating to the church, even the most trivial of things. "That little kid knows how to engage the culture in a postmodern way when talking about Dora the Explorer." What? That kid is five years old.

I understand that at times you want to use certain terms to explain things in the church, but don't overdo it. Just call things as they are. Not everything has to be labeled "relevant" or "postmodern." Of course, you're probably not listening to me and now are labeling this post.

#54. Bad drivers with a Christian fish

Big cities are notorious for traffic and bad drivers. But nothing is worse than being cut off by someone with an ichthus, also known as the Jesus fish. Seriously, when this happens to me, and it happens often, I have to fight the urge to tell them to be fruitful and multiply! Indeed, many times our Christian love, or lack thereof, is measured by our driving right after Sunday service is finished.

Think about all those lovely people who maybe even prayed with you during service, but in the parking lot, it seems more like an episode of The Amazing Race.

Of course, dear readers, we have to set the example. We have to show love to our parking lot and traffic enemies. We must hold our tongue and let it go, but I know this is a hard thing to do in the heat of the moment, especially if your car has no A/C. So, for the purpose of lowering our anger and restraining our tongue, I've come up with a list of alternative things to say.

1-"Take that ichthus off if you're going to drive like that!"
2-"You must believe in evolution because you drive like a monkey!"
3-"Loving your neighbor includes not crashing into them!"
4-"I don't have a fish symbol, but my driving is holier than yours!"
5-"Hey, look everyone, it's Judas at the wheel!"
6-"Thou shall not drive!"
7-"I really hope you don't go to my church!"

Can you think of any other, not so offensive, things to say? Have you been cutoff by someone with a Christian fish?

#53. Being told "this message is for you"

The pastor is preaching a powerful message, and it could be about anything, and in the middle of it, your friend turns around and looks at you and says, "You heard that? That was for you!"

That's a classic line. That friend of yours always manages to find a sermon that fits everyone, except for him. He has different moves too. He can turn around like he just did, or he can elbow you, or he can slightly incline forward on his seat and challenge you in an undesirable and prolonged eye contact battle.

So what can you do? Here are some helpful techniques;

-Avoiding the audible move
Once you realize that there's a punchline coming, or someone is being called a "heathen" by the pastor, assume that your friend will turn around and say, "You heard that? That was for you!" To avoid that, as soon as the pastor make his point, put on your iPod on really loud. This will frustrate your friend. He would them attempt another technique.

-Avoiding the elbow
The church elbow is probably the most infamous technique and also the most dangerous. It involves someone invading your personal space and injuring your ribs. To avoid this, as soon as your friend begins his move, you use an arm lock and then keep him there throughout the duration of the service.

-Avoiding the evil eye
Even after the arm lock, he may try his final move on you: intense eye contact. After the arm twisting, use your free arm to put on your Raybans and just in case, close your eyes. He will be defeated!

#52. Christian versions of existing things

We love to make versions of things that already exist. I don't know why that is, but it's very sad. It's like saying, "Hey, we couldn't come up with this original idea, but we're going to Christianize it."

So, please, don't come out with a "Faithbook," or something like that. "Facebook" is not inherently evil. Facebook is just a medium that people use to express themselves in different ways. Some people use to communicate and keep in touch with loved ones, while others use it to feed their narcissism and even plot evil things. But again, that's not Facebook's fault, but the users.

How about we come up with original ideas? So, no, don't come out with a Christian Twitter, please. What does that even mean? You can only speak in King James language? Does your Christian Twitter name has to be Biblical? If so, I got dibs on Habakkuk, sounds mysterious.

What do you think of this?

#51. Preaching out of thin air

Preaching is not always an easy thing. Believe it or not, I've preached several times, and it requires a lot of studying and prayer time. It is very rewarding and I love it. Thus, I'm never quick to judge a preacher on his deliverance (the content of the message is something else entirely).

It takes work and I respect all preachers who take their jobs seriously, as they should. But have you ever heard someone preach a sermon on a Bible text that doesn't exist? Say what? That's right!

Not too long ago, I used to attend one of those "name it and claim it" corporations, I mean church, and this happened to me. The preacher was well into his message, quoting different parts of Scripture and at one point, near the climax, he asks everyone to turn to "Mark 17:20." He said it twice, "Mark 17."

As you may have guessed, there is no "Mark 17," but this did not deter this preacher to give a convincing message. He went on for another half hour talking about the passage of scripture that doesn't exist. Did anyone else notice? I felt like raising my hand and saying, "Excuse me, but you kind of made up the last part of your sermon." At first, I felt bad for him, but then I didn't raise my hand afraid people would stone me or something like that. They really, really blind follow this guy, even when he preaches from a non-existent chapter of the Bible.

Has this ever happened to you?

#50. People who don't like C.S. Lewis

If you have a profile on Facebook, have a Twitter, or a blog and you never once have quoted C.S. Lewis, repent now and go on a binge of quoting him. Seriously, do it now, and then come back and finish this post.

Finished? Okay, now that you're one of us, you can read the rest of this entry.

People who actually don't like C.S. Lewis must not like chocolate, honey nor rainbows. They must hate smiling, spending quality time with good friends and family, and they probably hate children too. It sounds like I'm describing Hitler, but it may well be your next door neighbor, because not liking C.S. Lewis equals all those things I've described.

But as the Bible, and C.S. Lewis I might add, would say, we need to love our neighbor. So, in order to show love to your neighbor, I've come up with a plan to encourage their growth and respect for C.S. Lewis, thus their love for all things good and sweet. Every week, evaluate their status updates on Facebook, Twitter, Blogger and any other social media outlet. Don't expect them to say they love C.S. Lewis right away, but instead, look for a gradual increase of their love. Below, are some examples of status updates to look for:

1-"I love Narnia!"
2-"I'm a Christian, so I love C.S. Lewis"
3-"I was born in Narnia."
4-"I really love the land of Middle Earth" (Tolkien references are accepted)
5-"The Return of the King is my favorite C.S. Lewis book."
6-"I've never read Mere Christianity, but I'm no mere Christian."
7-"Every day I hide in my wardrobe for two hours thinking of Narnia."
8-"My t-shirt reads, 'Team Aslam'"
9-"The Chronicles of Narnia are my favorite chronicle."
10-"The Screwtape Letters are the best letters I've read, strangest too."
11-"To be or not to be - C.S. Lewis." (This is borderline acceptable)
12-"Narnia is a sate of mind."

Can you think of anything else to encourage and love your neighbor? Do you know anyone who doesn't like C.S. Lewis? Send them this link!

Update numero 2

Okay, so I haven't written in a while. But not quite a while like the other time. Honestly, I've been busy with other writing that I do. But to be fair to all of you, and to entertain you, I think I shall develop a habit of updating this blog three or four times a week.

Also, when I reach 100 followers, I shall reveal my true identity to the world. Spread the news!!