#33. The Power Team

(We'll end the month with some powerful stuff! Thanks for reading and for linking to your friends!)

Remember that time when Elijah told Elisha, "Hey, watch me rip these yellow pages in half and see how awesome our God is?" No? Me either, because it obviously never happened. Not only because they didn't have yellow pages then, except maybe for actual paper that turned yellow, but also because Elijah was not part of The Power Team.

I know, my life is in danger by writing about them in a negative light. But I got to keep it real, son.

The Power Team consists of guys who are so muscular that it seems they did P90X, 90 times. Please read that sentence again. These guys go to your church, tear apart yellow pages, bend spoons or something like that and all this is supposed to make you wonder how awesome God is.


But actually, what everyone wonders is:

1-What is going on here?

2-Why are they so mad at a phone book?

3-What kind of steroids are they taking?

4-Does Jose Canseco know about this?

Have you seen their performances? Were you spiritually transformed? And if you're a member of The Power Team reading this, please don't beat me up.

#32. When someone pulls out the "G" card

Every once in a while someone will pull out the "G" card and they're serious about it.

My wife: I wonder why water is so good for you. You know? Maybe the composition of the elements? Why do you think it's so good, honey?

Me: Because God made it!!

I could have said, "Booya!" at the end of that statement. I was joking with my wife, of course. Yes, God did create water and everything else we see, but she wasn't asking me about that. She just wanted to know my thoughts on the elements that make water so healthy, so necessary.

The reason I answered her like that was because we had recently spoken of someone pulling the God card on me. And they meant it. In other words, you're having a regular conversation with other fellow believers and you have a genuine question that can be answered with the reasoning of your created mind, but instead someone throws out the "G" card.

Example 1:

Me: I lost my wallet. Have you seen it?

Friend: Seek first the kingdom of God!

Me: What?


Example 2:

Me: I'm concerned with the suffering of those orphans we heard about yesterday. We've got to do something.

Friend: But God wins in the end!

Me: Why are you doing this to me?

Obviously, as a Christian I know that God wins in the end, but those orphans need our help today. That was just really unnecessary and kind of a jerk thing to say. Have you had a similar experience before?

#31. Feeling guilty about throwing away an old church bulletin

For how long are you expected to keep your church bulletin tucked in your Bible? Is it wrong to throw it out right away? These are some challenging questions. I feel guilty about throwing it away right after the sermon, but should I feel guilty? It's not like I'm throwing away my Bible.

This guilt has plagued me for a while. I used to keep so many of them tucked in the back pages of my Bible, that it became a hassle to carry it around. People would know I was around because of the paper trail. The bulletins were exploding out of my Bible and wanted to end their lives in a dignified way. Recycled, that is.

My wife takes notes, so she keeps hers for a while. But I don't take notes, or if I do, I take a notebook for that. So my bulletins are just pieces of papers with directions to fill in the blanks. But, since they came from a church, is it wrong to throw them away right after the service?

I'm not sure. I don't think anyone knows. It is unknowable. To be on the safe side, I keep about two weeks worth, then I start eliminating them. Sometimes I walk to the trash can in shame, hoping my wife does not notice the blasphemy I'm about to commit. But she knows. And she still loves me. And I think that's freeing me.

Have you ever felt this way?

#30. When someone takes your seat at church

You've been sitting at the same pew of the Holy Church of All Ages and Eternity for about 12 years now. Although no one has assigned seats, everyone knows that the last pew on the third row is yours. Even when you can't make it because you're sick, people know to respect your spot.

But that all changes when new people start coming to church. And the one day you come in a little bit late, guess what happens? Yup, someone just stole your seat. At least that's what you feel like. Someone just broke the eight commandment right in the middle of the sanctuary. The nerve!

To avoid this tragedy from happening again, here are some things you can do:

1-Tag your chair

Any regular sharpie would do. Just write your name on the back of the chair. That way, if someone pulls the old, "Oh yeah? Does this chair have your name?" bit, you can say yes, and proceed to show them the evidence.

2-Mark your chair

This is a bit extreme, but it's worth it. Just bring your dog and make sure he does his business around the legs of your chair. Yeah, you may need to wear a dust mask for a week and bring some for the rest of your aisle, but you would have made your point.

3-Take your chair

That's right, just take your chair. That is, if you can physically remove it from the ground. It depends on the church. The following Sunday your aisle will be down on chair. Going away on a business trip? Well, you don't have to fly coach anymore. You have just made up your own class. And that's classy (The Office reference, kudos if you get it.)

Can you think of any other methods to prevent this from happening? How can you keep your spot saved? (pun!)

#29. Not having a prayer request during a small group

It was a heart-breaking small group meeting. Everyone opened up about their issues. Tears came out. Tears came out, I said. One by one, each person shared a part of their hearts and now they're all sharing prayer requests. As they take turns and you await yours, you realize that you really have no pressing matter to bring up to the group. There's no real emergency right now in your life, plus your spouse already talked about the things that affect both of you.

But what do you do? Are you going to be the only one in the room without a prayer request? Are they going to think that you think you're better than them? Did your spouse just elbow you? Unless you're a prayer hero, then you know what I'm talking about.

If you have ever found yourself in this situation you are not alone. Sometimes, you just can't think of a pressing matter to say. But alas, you have to fear no more. I give you the official Making Up Prayer Request Guideline (or MUPRG). The higher your score, the more chances you have of succeeding in this desperate situation. What would work for you?



The MUPRG Scorecard


1-You go for the classic, "I need to spend more time in the Word," request. = +2 points

2-You ask to please pray for your pastors, elders, deacons, youth leaders, parking volunteers, janitor and even the stray cat. = +4 points

3-You stare at the ceiling and pretend you're having some sort of revelation. = -2 points

4-You mention a Greek word and explain how that relates to your life in prayer. = +1 point

5-You say that you don't have a specific request because your whole life is a prayer to God. = -3 points

6-They encourage you to be open, that it's okay and you need not be afraid. = +2 points

7-You go for the classic, "I need more peace in my life," request. = +2 points

8-You say that, as you give a dirty look to your spouse. = +3 points

9-You ask everyone to hold hands and please pray for you. = +4 points

10-You don't say anything, but you silently shed one single tear. =+7 points

If you were in this situation, what would your score be?

#28. Being judged because of your Blackberry

If you see me using my BlackBerry during a church service, 98 percent of the time I'm using my Bible App. The other two percent I may be texting directions to a friend, or maybe trying to use my Shazaam application during the worship to figure out what song they're singing. It's all biblical related! Shazaam!! (I always wanted to use the name of that app in a sentence somehow)


I do admit, however, that not everyone uses their Smartphone for such noble causes. But just because some people are rude, does not mean that all of us are. So if you're like me and find yourself being judged by the people around you, there are several things we can do.


1-Tell it like it is

If the people around you give you a look of disbelief and shake their heads, it's okay to yell, "I'm reading my Bible! I'm reading my Bible!" It's also okay to participate in an informal Bible page-turning competition. When the pastor says a book and verse, you'll get there faster on your iPhone, so just simply state the facts. "First book of Corinthians chapter 13, in just 1.5 seconds."

2-Shine a Light

So the pastor dimmed the lights. The mood is now one of introspection. However, in that peaceful mood he asks for the church to open their Bibles and find a passage. Well, guess who has the only Bible with an LCD display? You do! As everyone else tries to squint their eyes to see in the darkness, you can even wear shades if you want to!

3-Go biblical on them

Now, if you really want to change things, there's definitely one direction you could take. Go to Seminary school, become a pastor, get hired, and when you're going to read your Bible to preach a sermon, pull out your new BlackBerry Torch. Oh yeah, Church 2.0.

Has this ever happened to you? Or do you know anyone who feels wrongly judged because of their phones during service?

#27. Friending "God" on social media sites

I don't know if this is happening on Facebook, but I remember that when MySpace was cool, I once got a friend request from "God." I remember that the profile picture was taken from Michael Angelo's Sistine Chapel and that Mel Gibson was his favorite director.

This person, posing as the Almighty, was leaving encouraging messages on the pages of all his "friends." I don't remember if he identified with any particular religion, but he certainly (or she), was leaving "inspiring messages" all over MySpace. And no, I didn't friend him. I mean, who would think of doing such a thing?

Here are three questions I would ask to that person who posed as God on MySpace:

1-Would God really make a profile on MySpace?

First of all, discounting how ridiculous that is, God would know that MySpace had the lifespan of a fruit fly. Why would he even waste his time joining such a ridiculous and boring site?

2-How arrogant do you have to be to say you're "God" on MySpace?

That's a bold move sir. That's a bold move. You could have posed as Tom Cruise, or even Chuck Norris, but to pose as God? Come on man, if that's not blasphemy then I don't know what is.

3-Did you condemn me because I didn't friend you?

I'm sure that there are many people like me who thought you were a weirdo on a pride trip. What do you think of us who denied your friend request? Is there a list you kept? Did you take my name off of the book of "MySpace life?" Oh no, wait, I did that. I deleted my account when I realized that the site had become a haven for pedophiles and narcissists lunatics.

For shame sir, for shame.

#26. Your "theologian" friend

Everyone has a friend who went to seminary school and likes to show off a couple of the theological terms he remembers. For instance:

Me: That was a really good sermon, wasn't it?

Theo: Well, I believe the exegesis of the text, in the context of the right orthodoxy, really shows a valid representation of the incarnation.

Me: Huh? So, you liked the sermon?

Theo: Do you mean, in relation to the hermeneutics in our postmodern world? Is that what you're asking?

Me: You're gonna need new friends.

Can't this guy just have a regular conversation? I might just make him a shirt that says, "I went to Seminary School," and maybe that will help. If your "knowledge" impedes you from having a real conversation, at least in understandable terms, then you need to sell those textbooks on eBay right away.

Do you know anyone like this?

#25. Gossip prayer requests

A gossip prayer request usually starts like this:

"I just want to lift up my friend Roger and his wife Martha. Roger has been struggling with an addiction to gummy bears and his wife Martha is not being supportive. On top of that, their daughter keeps updating her Facebook profile with comments about the deliciousness of gummy bears and then reading them out loud. So I just want to pray for them."

You see what happened there? Now the entire church knows about Roger's delicious addiction. And they also know that Roger's daughter is apparently kind of a jerk. This was not mere prayer request, this was gossip disguised as a prayer.

If you happened to be at this prayer meeting and witness this sacrilege, you should raise your hand and then pray this:

"I just want to bring Jimmy to your attention, for being nosy and rude and telling us about someone else's problem. I hope he may never have a gummy bear addiction, and that he stops gossiping for good. At least until Christmas."

And that's how you do it. Just put them out in the open. Do note that it may backfire on you. Your friend Jimmy may be so offended that he may leave the church and when he finds another one, hey may start a prayer with:

"I left my old my church because someone attacked my dignity..."

#24. The guy who always gets hurt at the youth retreat

Remember that youth retreat when that crazy guy from church tried to jump across the 5 girls that were laying on the floor? You'll probably answer: Yeah, but which retreat?

There's always that one guy who takes thing to the next level. He's only real competition is himself, since no one else wants to play baseball without gloves. Yup, he's that hardcore. But to be honest, it's not really his fault. The youth pastor and leaders in charge of the retreat are the ones that come up with all these crazy competitions. And talking about competitions, how's that supposed to encourage Christian love?

I don't see anywhere in the Bible Paul telling Peter, "Hey, whoever gets to Rome last is a rotten egg!"

So, instead of all these crazy competitions, I propose certain ideas to try and unite the youth.

1-Build An Ark

Nothing says brotherly love more than having a bunch of teenagers running around with nails and hammers. The structure may not be safe to submerge in water, let alone move, but at least the teenagers would have bonded. However, you may be accused of forced child labor. Handle with care.

2-Texting Standoff

How is this biblical, you may ask? Easy, gather the most notorious texters in your group and challenge them to text 3 chapters of Leviticus. But here's the catch, they can't use abbreviations. Although to be honest, I don't think they can use many "lol's" when dealing with purification rituals. It's competitive at first, but they will bond after their fingers have typed 87 times "and the priest shall..."

3-Challenge other youth group

A common enemy is what brings people together. Ideally, we would be attacking spiritual forces, but teenagers don't see much fun in that. So, find a neighboring youth group and go egg their church mini-van. Oh, the battle is on.

Do you have any more ideas? How else can a youth group bond and avoid any accidents?

#23. The guy who tells the pastor what to do

In almost every church there's that one guy who waits for the climactic moment in the pastor's sermon to yell, "Preach! Preach!"

This, of course, it's kind of awkward since this is exactly what the pastor had been doing for the past half hour. Was this guy not listening? Did he think the pastor wasn't preaching before? Is this guy crazy? If you happen to be sitting next to this guy, then it may be embarrasing for you when people look at your isle and shake their heads. And if you happen to be the guy who does this then shame on you sir, shame on you.

However, there are three things we can do if we are sitting next to his peculiar character:

Go on the Offensive

Before he even says anything and right in the beginning of the sermon, get close to him and yell, "Listen! Listen!" You'll probably be applauded by the entire congregation, including the pastor.


Extreme Action

Right before he yells his first, "Preach," just throw a hymnal book at him. Or even a shoe will do. Pretty much anything that can stop his crazy outburst. Some people may initially frown at this, but deep down inside they are whispering, "thank you."

The Next Level

Of course, if you really want to intimidate the guy, find out what his line of work is. If you're lucky, he'll be doing some crazy job, like a taxidermist. So go to his office and as soon as you see him, just yell, "Stuff! Sutff!"

What other things can you do to stop him from continuing his insane practice?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hey everyone! Happy Valentine's Day!

Thanks for reading! Now, go enjoy some chocolate!

#22. Sermons without Powerpoint

If you happen to visit a church and the pastor does not use PowerPoint in his sermon, it is okay to raise your fist and yell, "Blasphemy!"

Well, maybe not, but we have gotten used to PowerPoint, haven't we? If there wasn't a warning from God about people altering the scriptures, the Bibles of the next generation would say something like:

"And God gave Moses the 10 Commandments in 10 perfect slides using Microsoft PowerPoint BC."

By the number of pastors who use PowerPoint today, it almost seems that using it was a commandment. But to be fair, using it does have advantages. For instance, people can follow along when dealing with studies of Hebrew or Greek words. Or the pastor can show images to convey a message. But it also has a downside. A lot of people won't even open their Bibles at church because they can just read along in the big screen.

As for me, I'm old school. I'm not a big fan of PowerPoint-Sermons. How about you?

#21. Guest Speakers

Wouldn't it be amazing if someone could give you a call and alert you that your pastor wasn't going to show up next Sunday? One day, when I receive enough royalties from my books, I just may start a system like that. Kind of like a CIA for the church. (Feel free to use the CIA acronym to stand for something Christian)

I know we shouldn't care about the speaker and that our focus should be on the Word of God. But I'll be honest with you. If my pastor happened to be Francis Chan, then I would really be disappointed whenever we had a guest speaker. Of course, Francis Chan is no longer a pastor at Simi Valley so now I'm just mad all the time.

No, but seriously, I don't think it's such a bad idea to have people you look up to. Of course, we must be careful not to exalt those people, not to put them on a pedestal. But the Bible does tell us to respect and learn from each other. In fact, Paul even says, "imitate me as I imitate Christ."

I believe the goal of every Christian should be to live in a way that we can say that about ourselves.

How about you? Who are your role models?

#58. People who predict the end of the world

This post was originally featured on my friend Heather's blog, here. But since it's appropriate for today, here it is!
---

My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said, "May 21, 2011 - Judgment Day!" I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine's Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.

But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There's always some self-proclaimed expert and "prophet" who predicts the end of the world. Those lunatics have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there's many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.

If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you're so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.


Question 1

When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father," what do you think that means?

Seriously, when he says "no one," do you think that means, "no one else, except for Timothy Kratz who's a really clever guy. I mean, he only buys Apple products?" (Mark 13:32)


Question 2

When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?

Question 3

Are you crazy? I'm not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don't know they're crazy. So maybe that's something you may want to look into.

Now for the rest of us, who trust God's word, have you seen any of these billboard ads? And why do you think people come up with these random dates?

#20. Bibles Without Notes In Them

It is common knowledge in Christian circles that if your Bible doesn't have any written notes then:

a) You're a heathen
b) You're a heathen and a Philistine
c) You're a heathen Philistine whose Bible is really a medical dictionary.

Okay, that was an exaggeration. But actually, I'm one of those people who don't like to write in my Bible. In fact, I don't like writing in books period. It started when I was a kid. I fell in love with books and I always made sure mine were pristine. So when it comes to the Holy Book, I'm certainly more protective.

Of course, with my Bible being so neat, most people assume that I just bought a new one, or that I'm a new convert. But hey, some of us just don't like to write in books. Hmm, maybe that's why they invented the notebook. I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

#19. Pastors who don't like to use titles

Along with using the word "relevant," there's another thing some pastors do to make themselves seem more cool.

Christian: Hi there pastor Johnson!

Pastor: Please don't call me that. Call me by name.

Christian: Really?

Pastor: Yes, of course.

Christian: Alright, Bobby Ray Johnson, I have some questions on hermeneutics.

That was kind of awkward, wasn't it? Probably Pastor Johnson would have been better. I remembered once when a youth pastor wanted to try out this technique. After a week of the kids calling him by his first name, he felt that they were respecting him less. So, even more awkward, he had to ask them to call him Pastor _____ again.

Know any pastors like this?

#18. Regulars who park in the visitor's parking space

You're a responsible Christian and in order to save the best parking spaces for the visitors, you park half a mile away from the church. Not only that, but every hike to church is an exercise in faith. You must carry your Bible, notepad, and your wife's too. (Assuming she's carrying your newest born baby) You must also juggle all these articles, as you try to waive politely to all the other fathers doing the same thing. It's a tough job.

Finally, you make it to the front of the church and what do you see? Oh well, the guy who has been sitting next you in church for the past five years parked in the visitor's space. Oh and guess what, he's been doing it for the past 5 weeks. Now you're really angry but you're thankful you're carrying Bibles and notepads instead of a baby.

So what do you do about this? I offer some suggestions:

1. Subtle confrontation

At first, just be nice to your friend Tom. Maybe he's been having a rough five weeks and parking close to church is his only consolation. Never underestimate the power of proximity to a church in relation to the trajectory of a vehicle. Anyway, while you're sitting down just lean in close and whisper, "Tom, you better be having some emotional problem that makes you wanna park in the visitor's spot. We're watching you." And then smile, that's it.

2. Usurpation

If Tom continues to do the same thing, then the following Sunday you take his favorite chair in church. I know, I know. We're not supposed to practice an "eye for an eye," but dear Tom is pushing it.

3. Throwback

Finally, if by those two clear steps Tom doesn't get the message, then you must take it back old school. The following Sunday you arrive earlier than Tom and you lay down on the pavement of the visitor's parking lot. And you stay there all day until the service starts. Hey, that's how they did it in the 60s. Peace and love dude. Peace and love.

#17. A Small Family

It may be ideal for the average American to have about 2.5 kids (Btw, I never understood the ".5" part. Does that mean half a kid?). But for the Christian American, if you don't have 6.5 kids, then you're borderline heathen. ( I guess this post is for the most conservative of us)

Seriously, a large family is expected. After the pastor pronounces you husband and wife, then you're expected to deliver results the following year. It's crazy. However, I don't think my wife is very excited about having six kids. The most I could probably push for is three, and that may be after some serious talk about the importance of the number three in the Bible.

Of course, all the kids must have biblical names. The weirder the better. We got to make people spend some time on google searching for the meaning of each one. And just for your information, this would be the list of the ideal names:

1-Anathema
2-Shalisha
3-Mekonah
4-Teophilus
5-Boanerges
6-Zalmon

I'm definitely going to have a hard time convincing my wife on any of those!

#16. Televangelists

Everytime I flip a channel and see a televangelist I slowly get up and set my TV on fire. I've gone through a dozen already. Not really, but that's what I would like to do. It angers me that all this "name it, claim it" shenanigans is the Christianity that the world sees.

"You want your blessing? Then sow a seed into my ministry."

Maybe one day I ought to send them a seed. Perhaps a grapefruit or something like that. Why not take them literally?

Anyhow, I hope the world sees that Christianity is not about money. I hope they see that Christianity is about love. It's about a God who loves, a God who sent His only son to take the place for our sins.

#15. Dan Brown

If you open your Bible to the book of Revelation and then you flip it upside down, you'll see that 666 equals Dan Brown. Alright, I just made that up. But it's not much of an exaggeration. When The Da Vinci Code came out, almost every pastor in America went on the offensive. And I don't blame them, the book is certainly blasphemous.

But the popularity of the book also had a positive effect on believers; it made us dig deeper into what we belief and why. At least it made me stronger in my faith because it made me want to study apologetics. I was ready to defend the faith.

Of course, it was more fun to stand on a pulpit and burn the book, as some pastors did. If the church I attended had done something like that, I would have gone out and bought like a thousand copies. Wait, maybe that's why it became a worldwide bestseller. All the bonfires.

How did you react? How did your church react?

#14. The Prayer Hero

Every church has one. He sits quietly at most meetings. He just watches everyone interact. Now, when the time comes to pray, he brings out the prayer big guns. His prayer is so perfect that it sounds like a perfect SAT essay. It even seems like the guy hires Obama's speech writers for his prayers.

Isn't that one guy always there? You know who he is. He always starts with things like, "Dear Omnipotent, Amazing, Wonderful and Everlasting..." Half the prayer consists of adjectives.

But I wonder if God pays more attention to an elaborate and rehearsed prayer, than to one that comes from the heart.

A little child simply saying, "God I don't know how to pray like that man, but I love you," may truly move the heart of God. It's simple, but more important, it's real.

#13. Love Offerings

The collection plate just passed. Your wallet has suffered a serious casualty. And just when you're catching your breath, the pastor makes one more announcement.

"In regards to Mark and Jenny's mission trip, we will be collecting a love offering."

Oh no he didn't. A love offering. You can't say no to that. If he had used another word, "special" or even "sacrificial," everything would be okay. But he said "love offering." Now, you may seem unloving if you don't reach for your wallet one more time. Everyone's looking at you. Well, they're not, but you feel like they are.

You reach into your wallet and what do you find? Oh yes, the trusted friend of church offerings, George Washington.