#78. That One Friend on Instagram

Ah, Instagram. A place where you can follow accounts that suit all of your interests. From worship pastors who post way too many pictures of themselves on stage, to your typical Christian friend and her perfectly filtered devotional photos.

There are millions of accounts on Instagram, but every Christian on there has one friend who tends to take things to the next level. You know who I'm talking about.

This friend's captions read more like a devotional than anything else. Apparently, every single event in their life is worthy of massive introspection and a compulsion to overshare everything.Whereas a normal person would post a picture of their kids in the park with something like, "They had so much fun at the park!"

This friend of yours would post something like this:

"As they both went down the slide, I began to think about how life is like a long slide. It can be scary when you're looking down, way into the future, but as my kids know to trust me that I'm there to catch them, I know that the Father is there to catch us. Little Johnny scraped his knee while I was writing this post, but he knows that once we get home, I'll put on a band-aid, and this make me think about how the Father has also healed all the wounds of my heart. #blessed #intentional #nofilter #vsco #simpleliving #authenticliving"

Is every moment in life worthy of an epiphany? No, if it were so, we would have no time to actually live with all of these sudden "revelations." A day in the park can be just that; pure fun.

How would your friend caption the picture below?

#77. Embarrassed by your Non-Christian Friend

Your friend John uses a curse word for every three safe ones. And not Christian curse words like "shoot," or "dang it," but the four letter ones I won't mention in this blog. On top of that, he smokes so much that he's constantly surrounded by a mist of smoke. Now, if he was a holier guy, you could get away with saying that this was the shekhinah following him around. But alas, John and holy do not match.

When it's just you and John, you really don't mind his cursing and smoking that much. However, when a Christian friend of yours is going to join you and John at a coffee shop, you feel the need to use a disclaimer.

Ever done that? We kind of feel like our friend John will embarrass us in front of our Christian friends. Or worse, that people will think that we condone John's use of the King Jame's language.

If you don't want to experience such shame no longer, I have some suggestions:

1-Wear a shirt that says "I'm with Heathen."
2-Warn your Christian friend that John has Tourette's
3-Pretend you're casting out a demon from John. Bonus point if you say "Expelliarmus!"
4-Pretend that you don't know John when your Christian friend arrives.
5-Ask your Christian friends to lay hands on John.
6-Tell your Christian friend, "that's weird, he was speaking in tongues just a minute ago!"

Hope this helps. Have you ever felt that you needed to make a disclaimer when hanging out with Christian and non-Christians friends?

#76. The Gift of Singleness

Happy Gift of Singleness Day! What an amazing time for you to grab a microwave meal and cuddle up with your three cats as you watch figure skating. Aren't you glad that God wants you to be single for the rest of your life? You're soooo blessed!

God must think you're very special to bless you with such a gift. I'm married, so I definitely know that such blessing was not bestowed upon me. And even before I was married, I was sure that such gift was meant for you. You always loved to have some alone time. Guess what? Now you have all the alone time in the world! Think of Paul. He was single. Maybe you can build some tents, too.

Look how happy they look! This could be you!

I know, I know, us married people are always happy to encourage others with the gift of singleness. Not fair you say. But here are some awesome benefits for having received the gift of singleness:

1-Economy: Think about it. Every time a couple goes to dinner, they have to pay for two meals. Unless, of course, they split every single meal, but even then, the guy will still be hungry and hit up McDonald's later that night. You don't have that problem! Just order an appetizer and some water.

2-Pets: Once the kids come, most pets have to go. Not always, but it happens more often than you think. In your case, you can have as many lolcats as you possibly can. Although, we all know that God is more of a dog lover. I mean, Dog and God work as a perfect anagram. So, get one.

3-Couple dinners: Yes, we married couples have secret dinners. We don't tell you because it's for couples and come on, it's awkward. You can't just bring your dog to Olive Garden. But don't worry, we'll block you from seeing our secret dinner pictures on Facebook.

4-Stop looking: That's the main advice we married folk can give you right now: Stop looking for Mr. Right. Or we'll also tell you, "It'll happen in God's time." Or, "God is working on you right now." Or, "You can focus on yourself." Meanwhile, I'll be having my secret couples dinner. Call you later.

5-Jesus is your husband: Congratulations! You literally are the bride of Christ! Sure, the whole thing with Jesus living in your heart does not make for a fun Valentine's Day dinner, but you can freak out the other couples in Olive Garden when you start speaking to your "date."

Are you single? What else have you heard from married couples or even your grandparents?

#74. People Who Use Ministry to be Lazy

Ever met a guy (or gal) who had no idea what they were going to do with their lives until they felt "called" to ministry?

For some people, "doing ministry" is an excuse to avoid real life and growing up. It's also another excuse to not get a "real" job. In a completely unrelated topic, please send me any money you can  (I take checks, PayPal, credit cards, money orders and even Bitcoins) in order to fulfill a "calling" I just heard.

Now, of course, there are many Christian brothers and sisters doing a wonderful job in spreading the gospel, so I don't want to group them all together and make generalizations. Those folks are doing a real an hard job. But with that in mind, here are some red flags that should raise some suspicion in you:

"Tourist Destination"
Bob and Mary are always taking short term "missions" trips to either Hawaii, Florida or the Bahamas. Their "missionary" photos are usually taken in a badly lit hotel room (on purpose), but you can clearly see the beach behind them.

"The Vanished"
Speaking of Bob and Mary, after sending you a beautifully written letter with at least seven Bible verses, you haven't heard from then again. Bob and Mary have not left their house in a year. They haven't even left town. They also ignore your calls.

"Debt Ceiling"
Your friend Bob just finished seminary school and has a LOT of debt. You may get some letters soon.

"Good Sunday"
At some point in your friendship, your friend Bob mentioned how awesome it is that pastors "only" have to work  on Sundays.

"Prosperity"
Your friend's ministry hero and role model is Joel Osteen. That should be a given right there.

"Seminary Amnesia"
After spending four years in seminary school, Bob claims he has no life skills whatsoever, besides hermeneutics and theological treatises, of course. Want a job at Wal-Mart? No? Forgot how to push a cart? How about a job cleaning the church? No? Never heard of a mop either?

These six red flags should give you something to think about. Did I forget anything? Do you know anyone like this?

#73. Sexing Up the Song of Solomon

Hi pastors (not all of you, of course), we know that one of the interpretations of the Song of Solomon has to do with sex. We know because we have been recently bombarded with this all over the Interwebs. But, dude, chill. I don't need you to describe to me in detail what Solomon or his lady meant. There's a reason why it's a song, it's poetry and not 50 Shades of Grey.

Although my daughter is only one year old, I don't want her growing up in a church were a pastor and his wife preach from a bed or something freaky like that. Also, don't you think that by giving these explicit talks to the whole church, you are arousing lust in single people?

Now, for the rest of us:

Imagine then that you invite your non-believing friend for the first time to church and the pastor says, "Open up your Bible to the Song of Solomon," with a smirk on his face. Oh no. You know what's going down. But, there's still hope, you think. Maybe the pastor won't go into detail, or maybe he'll begin by saying how this serves as an allegory of Christ's love for his bride, the church.

But then he says, "And by 'pleasant fruits' she meant..."

Get your friend and run. Seriously.

#72. Joel Osteen

I know, this is a controversial topic. Christians haven't been this divided...since countless of other recent topics. But why pick on happy-go-lucky Joel? Well, let's see, he refused to tell Larry King that Jesus is the only way to heaven. So, it seems to me that Joel Osteen wants everyone to like him, and this most certainly would have alienated him. His megabesteller, Your Best Life Now, is pretty much a recipe for positive thinking with a little God thrown in there to make it sound "Christian." There's no mention of sin, redemption, or the cross, which is weird for a Christian pastor.

In essence, Joel Osteen is a self-help teacher with a lot of New Age mumbo-jumbo mixed in. Speaking of New Age, here's a fun game. Can you tell which phrase comes from Joel Osteen and which one comes from the New Age bestseller The Secret? If you don't know, The Secret is essentially a collection of New Age maxims about positive thinking, health and wealth. I know, sounds like an Osteen book. Here's the quiz. Don't cheat!

Joel Osteen vs The Secret

QUESTION 1
“There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstances of your life can change! ” 

QUESTION 2
"Take time to make a difference. Think about  how you can make somebody else's life better."

QUESTION 3
"You will never change what you tolerate."

QUESTION 4
“Ask once, believe you have received, and all you have to do to receive is feel good.” 

QUESTION 5
“You cannot expect victory and plan for defeat.” 

QUESTION 6
"You will produce what you're continually seeing in your mind."

QUESTION 7
“You have to feel love to harness its power!” 

QUESTION 8
"Your thoughts become things!"

QUESTION 9
"Start calling yourself healed, happy, whole, blessed, and prosperous."

QUESTION 10
"You become what you think about most. But you also attract what you think about most."


How did you do?
Drag your mouse below to reveal the answers!
1-The Secret
2-Joel Osteen
3-Joel Osteen
4-The Secret
5-Joel Osteen
6-Joel Osteen
7-The Secret
8-The Secret
9-Joel Osteen
10-The Secret

#71. Unspoken Prayer Requests

The problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it lets people assume things.

Me: Anyone else has a prayer request?
Silent Bob: Yeah, I have an unspoken prayer request.
Me (my imagination): Hmm...he probably needs prayer because he started cooking and dealing crystal meth after he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He does seem thinner. I bet he'll grow a goatee and shave his head...

Did I just describe the plot to Breaking Bad? Maybe.

But the main problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it doesn't allow for fellowship. If we never confess our sins to each other and if we don't help each other with our struggles, it's really hard to heal.

#70. Demons in Plays

Oh, look, the youth group has prepared a play and they're going to share it with the whole church. Seeing as we serve a creative God, no doubt these inspired and energetic teenagers are going to find fresh ways to communicate the hope of the gospel. Oh, wait. There's a couple of hooded figures in the corner. Never mind. They are going to show demons trapping Christians, AGAIN. Oh, but don't worry, in the end someone dressed in white is going  to defeat the demons. This could be Jesus, an Angel, or Dumbledore. It's never really clear.

Is there no other way to show a Christian's struggle and hope in Jesus other than a Lifehouse song from six years ago and two pre-teens in old Halloween costumes?

I'm not saying that these plays are bad, but they are really overdone and cliché by now. Come on guys, we can do better than that.

                                         One google find of many

#69. Share if you love Jesus

Christians are one of the most superstitious group of people in the world. It's sad because we believe in a very real and awesome God, but for some reason, if we don't forward an email we think we'll have seven years of bad luck.

Now that Facebook has taken over emails, you see those superstitious posts all over it, such as:

"Hit 'Like" for Jesus, or ignore this, but you will see who has the last say when the day of judgment arrives."

"Share for Jesus. Nothing will happen if you don't, except that he may not share with you on the last day."

Really? I don't think our eternal destiny relies on a Facebook status. So, please just stop the nonsense. No, you don't have to repost, share, or like to prove anything. And if you feel the need to prove something, then you better check your heart.

With all that said, you should totally share this on Facebook.

#68. Your anointed friend

Have you ever met someone who overused the word "anointed?"

Examples:

"That preaching was anointed."

"That preacher was anointed."

"That preacher preaching was anointed."

You get the idea.

I knew a guy once who told me that a certain girl had a crush on him because of how anointed he was. Years later, that guy is still the only single one in the whole group of friends. Maybe he needs more anointment.

#67. Being the First Person to Get the Offering Basket

The week that you're broke, or the week you went to the evening service the day before, you happen to sit on the first row of your aisle.  Moments later, the announcer prays for the offerings that are about to be received and you panic. You look down the row and there are at least 10 people there, including your friend who loves tithing so much he promised 10 percent of his children's time in the future to the church.

What do you do?

You can't refuse the offering basket. You can't hide your hands inside your shirt and pretend you were born that way because no one saw your Bible just float next to you.

So, you take the offering basket, pass the empty thing to the person next to you and watch your friend shake his head at you. For shame.

#66. Your Pretentious *Missionary Friend

We love missionaries. They do a tough and wonderful job to spread the gospel to the farthest corners of the earth (unless you're a missionary in Hawaii, in which case we may not like you so much).

But have you ever met a friend who was on a missions trip for a week and now pretends to be an expert in Guatemala? Your friend will not only throw in random Spanish words in conversation with you, but he will also keep referring to everyone as "You Americans."

Ever met a guy or girl like this?

#65. Mel Gibson: It's complicated

The relationship between Christian opinion and Mel Gibson has been interesting. If this was a Facebook relationship status, it would be a permanent, "it's complicated." Here's a list of the pivotal times when we loved Mel and when we rather he stay away.

• Braveheart: The story of a warrior fighting injustice and paying the ultimate sacrifice? Action and honor. Yeah, we'll take that. LOVE MEL.
• Passion of the Christ: Though controversial, this movie served as a witnessing tool for possibly millions worldwide. LOVE MEL.
• Drunk Driving: Remember the horrible mugshot? And oh yeah, he went on a rant blaming the Jewish people for all the wars in the world. STAY AWAY MEL.
• Apocalypto: A violent movie, yes, but really entertaining and non-stop action. LOVE MEL.
• Girlfiend Fiasco: After divorcing his wife and getting his girlfriend pregnant, he then strikes his girlfriend and leaves obscene messages on her phone. STAY AWAY MEL.

As you can see, our relationship with Mel hasn't been easy. Like us, he needs the grace and strength that comes from God. Let's hope that he makes a come back and we can finally change our status to, "Married."

#64. Being judged for celebrating Halloween

There's always that one Facebook friend that puts a video or a status saying that those who celebrate Halloween are devil worshippers.

Really? My eight year old cousin, dressed as Tinkerbell, is worshipping Satan?

Dude, you must chill. True, Halloween has pagan roots, but guess what? There are no Christmas trees in the Bible. And oh yeah, Jesus wasn't born on December 25th. That day actually has pagan roots, too.

So, what are you going to do? Are you going to boycott all "commercial" holidays and enclose yourself in a shell of self-righteousness? Or are you going to celebrate those holidays in ways that honor and glorify God?

Wake up and eat some candy.

#63. DTR and other acronyms

Sometime ago, my wife and I were watching an episode of Friends and one of the issues afflicting someone in the cast (Ross, to be exact) was having to "define the relationship" with a girlfriend of his, or DTR, as my wife informed it is known in the Christian circles.

Since I didn't grow up as a Christian (As a good Cuban, I was raised Catholic), I had no idea of such an acronym. In light of that, I think we should come up with some new ones.

AWIAR? - Are We In A Relationship?

OWLM - Our Worship Leader is a Metrosexual

MPBY - My Pastor is Better than Yours

DBD - Dan Brown is the Devil

BYOB - Bring Your Own Bible

Can you think of anymore?

#62. Prosperity Gospel Teachers, a secret document

In one way or another, I have spoken about prosperity teachers in many other blog entries. My verdict? They preach a false gospel that cheapens the true gospel of redemption and salvation of our souls. Furthermore, I don't understand how can someone read the Bible and really think that the whole point is that God wants us to be rich and live comfortable lives. How does that happen?

Fortunately for you, I've found a secret document used by some of those prosperity teachers. Some of the verses and characters have changed:

1-Suffering and Persecution
Whenever the word suffering appears in the Bible, it should be read as "enjoy." Likewise, when the word "persecution" appears, it should be read as "a spanking new mansion." So for instance, when the Bible says, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." In the prosperity gospel it means, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will enjoy a spanking new mansion."

2-Moses
According to the secret document, Moses kept all his riches from when he was in Egypt and this is why his face was shining most of the time. He was mad at the creation of the golden calf because Aaron and his crew had stolen Moses' Egyptian loot.

3-Abundant life
The word abundant no longer means "full," as in full of trials and suffering and all things in this life both band and good. No sir, "abundant" now means, "A Mercedes Benz and some bling on my wrist."

4-MTV Cribs
When Jesus said that He had nowhere to rest his head, he didn't mean that he didn't have a home. In fact, God wants you to have many homes, the more the better! What he meant was that he had so many houses under his name, that he didn't know which one to go to. It can be a daunting task to decide. Pray.

5-You'll always be healthy
According to the document, you are supposed to always be healthy. Jesus healed all the people who asked him to. He even raised Lazarus from the dead! And since the logic follows that believers NEVER get sick, it is rumored that Lazarus is still alive and hiding. He may be in Pakistan in a house near a military base.


What else do you think this document said? You might know more than you think!

#61. When worship leaders leave the church and the pastors ignore it

Remember that guy that had the voice of an angel and the looks of a mix between Sting and Lady Gaga? Remember him? He was your worship leader for 5 years, but then one Sunday, he wasn't there. And then he wasn't there anymore.

Of course, you expect your pastor to acknowledge this and explain what happened, but nothing. He acts like the tone deaf lady who's now in charge of worship was there all along. So where does that leave you? Well, all you can do is wonder. Here are some possibilities as to what happened to your former worship leader. Of course, we would never think he left because he was offered more money by another church, or because he had a disagreement with the pastor. No, we'll think holier things.

Solving the mystery

1-He got carried to heaven a-la-Elijah. If so, make sure to get dibs on the mantle, or in his case the microphone.
2-He felt called to simpler things and now plays an ukulele with an unreached "tribe" in Hawaii.
3-He's auditioning for American Idol, and that way you can get excited for a "real" Christian on the show.
4-He's in a monastery somewhere in the Fij ilands.
5-He committed to a one year vow of silence.
6-He stopped buying and using a gallon of hair products and now sends all his money to charity.
7-He got married and has 17 kids who take all of his time.

Has this happened to you? Has a church leader left unexpectedly and your pastors never brought it up?

#60. Non-Christian email addresses

I have a non-Christian email address, so it's possible that many of you hate me right now. I'm sorry. What does it mean to have a Christian sounding email address? Here are some examples below:

1.Redeemed4Real
This is a great example of a saved email address. There's the clear mention of redemption and just in case someone had doubts, there's the "4Real" part. By using the "4" you're also showing that you're very much hip and relevant.

2-WWJDWAEA
This translates to, What Would Jesus Do With An Email Address. It's kind of a hassle to give your email address to someone, but that only makes you look holier. Good job.

3-Halleluyers45
This is more for the urban crowd of believers. By adding your favorite number, you are personalizing your ghetto praises. Fantastic.

Okay, but seriously, it doesn't really matter what your email address is, unless of course you use a curse word or something like that. An email address does not relate at all to your spiritual standing in the eyes of God. So please, stop hating me for having a regular email address.

My favorite ones so far...

-People who don't like C.S. Lewis
-Rob Bell
-People who predict the end of the world
-Being Judged because You Use the Table of Contents
-Your "theologian" friend
-Feeling Guilty About Throwing Away Your Old Church Bulletin
-Dan Brown

#59. Youth pastors or leaders without a goatee

Close your eyes, now try and remember your youth pastor. Does he have a goatee or some sort of facial hair? If the answer is no, then you have been lied to. That guy could not have been your youth pastor.

I'm exaggerating of course, but in my experience, every youth leader or youth pastor that I've met had a goatee, beard or mustache. Maybe that's part of the contract? Some sort of modern age levite rite? If you're reading this and have a passion for the youth and feel called to serve and lead them, then remember these few things:

1-Grow a goatee.
2-When you talk, use your hands a lot.
3-Try and say, "What's up" whenever you can.
4-Also, when appropriate, say "Yo" a couple of times.
4-Yell for 90 percent of your sermon.
5-Be super-competitive when playing sports.

Anything else I forgot to add?