#77. Embarrassed by your Non-Christian Friend

Your friend John uses a curse word for every three safe ones. And not Christian curse words like "shoot," or "dang it," but the four letter ones I won't mention in this blog. On top of that, he smokes so much that he's constantly surrounded by a mist of smoke. Now, if he was a holier guy, you could get away with saying that this was the shekhinah following him around. But alas, John and holy do not match.

When it's just you and John, you really don't mind his cursing and smoking that much. However, when a Christian friend of yours is going to join you and John at a coffee shop, you feel the need to use a disclaimer.

Ever done that? We kind of feel like our friend John will embarrass us in front of our Christian friends. Or worse, that people will think that we condone John's use of the King Jame's language.

If you don't want to experience such shame no longer, I have some suggestions:

1-Wear a shirt that says "I'm with Heathen."
2-Warn your Christian friend that John has Tourette's
3-Pretend you're casting out a demon from John. Bonus point if you say "Expelliarmus!"
4-Pretend that you don't know John when your Christian friend arrives.
5-Ask your Christian friends to lay hands on John.
6-Tell your Christian friend, "that's weird, he was speaking in tongues just a minute ago!"

Hope this helps. Have you ever felt that you needed to make a disclaimer when hanging out with Christian and non-Christians friends?

#76. The Gift of Singleness

Happy Gift of Singleness Day! What an amazing time for you to grab a microwave meal and cuddle up with your three cats as you watch figure skating. Aren't you glad that God wants you to be single for the rest of your life? You're soooo blessed!

God must think you're very special to bless you with such a gift. I'm married, so I definitely know that such blessing was not bestowed upon me. And even before I was married, I was sure that such gift was meant for you. You always loved to have some alone time. Guess what? Now you have all the alone time in the world! Think of Paul. He was single. Maybe you can build some tents, too.

Look how happy they look! This could be you!

I know, I know, us married people are always happy to encourage others with the gift of singleness. Not fair you say. But here are some awesome benefits for having received the gift of singleness:

1-Economy: Think about it. Every time a couple goes to dinner, they have to pay for two meals. Unless, of course, they split every single meal, but even then, the guy will still be hungry and hit up McDonald's later that night. You don't have that problem! Just order an appetizer and some water.

2-Pets: Once the kids come, most pets have to go. Not always, but it happens more often than you think. In your case, you can have as many lolcats as you possibly can. Although, we all know that God is more of a dog lover. I mean, Dog and God work as a perfect anagram. So, get one.

3-Couple dinners: Yes, we married couples have secret dinners. We don't tell you because it's for couples and come on, it's awkward. You can't just bring your dog to Olive Garden. But don't worry, we'll block you from seeing our secret dinner pictures on Facebook.

4-Stop looking: That's the main advice we married folk can give you right now: Stop looking for Mr. Right. Or we'll also tell you, "It'll happen in God's time." Or, "God is working on you right now." Or, "You can focus on yourself." Meanwhile, I'll be having my secret couples dinner. Call you later.

5-Jesus is your husband: Congratulations! You literally are the bride of Christ! Sure, the whole thing with Jesus living in your heart does not make for a fun Valentine's Day dinner, but you can freak out the other couples in Olive Garden when you start speaking to your "date."

Are you single? What else have you heard from married couples or even your grandparents?

#74. People Who Use Ministry to be Lazy

Ever met a guy (or gal) who had no idea what they were going to do with their lives until they felt "called" to ministry?

For some people, "doing ministry" is an excuse to avoid real life and growing up. It's also another excuse to not get a "real" job. In a completely unrelated topic, please send me any money you can  (I take checks, PayPal, credit cards, money orders and even Bitcoins) in order to fulfill a "calling" I just heard.

Now, of course, there are many Christian brothers and sisters doing a wonderful job in spreading the gospel, so I don't want to group them all together and make generalizations. Those folks are doing a real an hard job. But with that in mind, here are some red flags that should raise some suspicion in you:

"Tourist Destination"
Bob and Mary are always taking short term "missions" trips to either Hawaii, Florida or the Bahamas. Their "missionary" photos are usually taken in a badly lit hotel room (on purpose), but you can clearly see the beach behind them.

"The Vanished"
Speaking of Bob and Mary, after sending you a beautifully written letter with at least seven Bible verses, you haven't heard from then again. Bob and Mary have not left their house in a year. They haven't even left town. They also ignore your calls.

"Debt Ceiling"
Your friend Bob just finished seminary school and has a LOT of debt. You may get some letters soon.

"Good Sunday"
At some point in your friendship, your friend Bob mentioned how awesome it is that pastors "only" have to work  on Sundays.

"Prosperity"
Your friend's ministry hero and role model is Joel Osteen. That should be a given right there.

"Seminary Amnesia"
After spending four years in seminary school, Bob claims he has no life skills whatsoever, besides hermeneutics and theological treatises, of course. Want a job at Wal-Mart? No? Forgot how to push a cart? How about a job cleaning the church? No? Never heard of a mop either?

These six red flags should give you something to think about. Did I forget anything? Do you know anyone like this?

#73. Sexing Up the Song of Solomon

Hi pastors (not all of you, of course), we know that one of the interpretations of the Song of Solomon has to do with sex. We know because we have been recently bombarded with this all over the Interwebs. But, dude, chill. I don't need you to describe to me in detail what Solomon or his lady meant. There's a reason why it's a song, it's poetry and not 50 Shades of Grey.

Although my daughter is only one year old, I don't want her growing up in a church were a pastor and his wife preach from a bed or something freaky like that. Also, don't you think that by giving these explicit talks to the whole church, you are arousing lust in single people?

Now, for the rest of us:

Imagine then that you invite your non-believing friend for the first time to church and the pastor says, "Open up your Bible to the Song of Solomon," with a smirk on his face. Oh no. You know what's going down. But, there's still hope, you think. Maybe the pastor won't go into detail, or maybe he'll begin by saying how this serves as an allegory of Christ's love for his bride, the church.

But then he says, "And by 'pleasant fruits' she meant..."

Get your friend and run. Seriously.

#72. Joel Osteen

I know, this is a controversial topic. Christians haven't been this divided...since countless of other recent topics. But why pick on happy-go-lucky Joel? Well, let's see, he refused to tell Larry King that Jesus is the only way to heaven. So, it seems to me that Joel Osteen wants everyone to like him, and this most certainly would have alienated him. His megabesteller, Your Best Life Now, is pretty much a recipe for positive thinking with a little God thrown in there to make it sound "Christian." There's no mention of sin, redemption, or the cross, which is weird for a Christian pastor.

In essence, Joel Osteen is a self-help teacher with a lot of New Age mumbo-jumbo mixed in. Speaking of New Age, here's a fun game. Can you tell which phrase comes from Joel Osteen and which one comes from the New Age bestseller The Secret? If you don't know, The Secret is essentially a collection of New Age maxims about positive thinking, health and wealth. I know, sounds like an Osteen book. Here's the quiz. Don't cheat!

Joel Osteen vs The Secret

QUESTION 1
“There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstances of your life can change! ” 

QUESTION 2
"Take time to make a difference. Think about  how you can make somebody else's life better."

QUESTION 3
"You will never change what you tolerate."

QUESTION 4
“Ask once, believe you have received, and all you have to do to receive is feel good.” 

QUESTION 5
“You cannot expect victory and plan for defeat.” 

QUESTION 6
"You will produce what you're continually seeing in your mind."

QUESTION 7
“You have to feel love to harness its power!” 

QUESTION 8
"Your thoughts become things!"

QUESTION 9
"Start calling yourself healed, happy, whole, blessed, and prosperous."

QUESTION 10
"You become what you think about most. But you also attract what you think about most."


How did you do?
Drag your mouse below to reveal the answers!
1-The Secret
2-Joel Osteen
3-Joel Osteen
4-The Secret
5-Joel Osteen
6-Joel Osteen
7-The Secret
8-The Secret
9-Joel Osteen
10-The Secret

#71. Unspoken Prayer Requests

The problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it lets people assume things.

Me: Anyone else has a prayer request?
Silent Bob: Yeah, I have an unspoken prayer request.
Me (my imagination): Hmm...he probably needs prayer because he started cooking and dealing crystal meth after he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He does seem thinner. I bet he'll grow a goatee and shave his head...

Did I just describe the plot to Breaking Bad? Maybe.

But the main problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it doesn't allow for fellowship. If we never confess our sins to each other and if we don't help each other with our struggles, it's really hard to heal.

#70. Demons in Plays

Oh, look, the youth group has prepared a play and they're going to share it with the whole church. Seeing as we serve a creative God, no doubt these inspired and energetic teenagers are going to find fresh ways to communicate the hope of the gospel. Oh, wait. There's a couple of hooded figures in the corner. Never mind. They are going to show demons trapping Christians, AGAIN. Oh, but don't worry, in the end someone dressed in white is going  to defeat the demons. This could be Jesus, an Angel, or Dumbledore. It's never really clear.

Is there no other way to show a Christian's struggle and hope in Jesus other than a Lifehouse song from six years ago and two pre-teens in old Halloween costumes?

I'm not saying that these plays are bad, but they are really overdone and cliché by now. Come on guys, we can do better than that.

                                         One google find of many

#64. Being judged for celebrating Halloween

There's always that one Facebook friend that puts a video or a status saying that those who celebrate Halloween are devil worshippers.

Really? My eight year old cousin, dressed as Tinkerbell, is worshipping Satan?

Dude, you must chill. True, Halloween has pagan roots, but guess what? There are no Christmas trees in the Bible. And oh yeah, Jesus wasn't born on December 25th. That day actually has pagan roots, too.

So, what are you going to do? Are you going to boycott all "commercial" holidays and enclose yourself in a shell of self-righteousness? Or are you going to celebrate those holidays in ways that honor and glorify God?

Wake up and eat some candy.