Hi there, you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a while. I apologize for that. Honestly, it's been lack of time. I've got another blog and I'm also working on a book, plus I also write devotionals for my church.
Anyhow, if you have any ideas you would like me to write about, please don't be shy and submit them. Thanks!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
#62. Prosperity Gospel Teachers, a secret document
In one way or another, I have spoken about prosperity teachers in many other blog entries. My verdict? They preach a false gospel that cheapens the true gospel of redemption and salvation of our souls. Furthermore, I don't understand how can someone read the Bible and really think that the whole point is that God wants us to be rich and live comfortable lives. How does that happen?
Fortunately for you, I've found a secret document used by some of those prosperity teachers. Some of the verses and characters have changed:
1-Suffering and Persecution
Whenever the word suffering appears in the Bible, it should be read as "enjoy." Likewise, when the word "persecution" appears, it should be read as "a spanking new mansion." So for instance, when the Bible says, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." In the prosperity gospel it means, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will enjoy a spanking new mansion."
2-Moses
According to the secret document, Moses kept all his riches from when he was in Egypt and this is why his face was shining most of the time. He was mad at the creation of the golden calf because Aaron and his crew had stolen Moses' Egyptian loot.
3-Abundant life
The word abundant no longer means "full," as in full of trials and suffering and all things in this life both band and good. No sir, "abundant" now means, "A Mercedes Benz and some bling on my wrist."
4-MTV Cribs
When Jesus said that He had nowhere to rest his head, he didn't mean that he didn't have a home. In fact, God wants you to have many homes, the more the better! What he meant was that he had so many houses under his name, that he didn't know which one to go to. It can be a daunting task to decide. Pray.
5-You'll always be healthy
According to the document, you are supposed to always be healthy. Jesus healed all the people who asked him to. He even raised Lazarus from the dead! And since the logic follows that believers NEVER get sick, it is rumored that Lazarus is still alive and hiding. He may be in Pakistan in a house near a military base.
What else do you think this document said? You might know more than you think!
Fortunately for you, I've found a secret document used by some of those prosperity teachers. Some of the verses and characters have changed:
1-Suffering and Persecution
Whenever the word suffering appears in the Bible, it should be read as "enjoy." Likewise, when the word "persecution" appears, it should be read as "a spanking new mansion." So for instance, when the Bible says, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." In the prosperity gospel it means, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will enjoy a spanking new mansion."
2-Moses
According to the secret document, Moses kept all his riches from when he was in Egypt and this is why his face was shining most of the time. He was mad at the creation of the golden calf because Aaron and his crew had stolen Moses' Egyptian loot.
3-Abundant life
The word abundant no longer means "full," as in full of trials and suffering and all things in this life both band and good. No sir, "abundant" now means, "A Mercedes Benz and some bling on my wrist."
4-MTV Cribs
When Jesus said that He had nowhere to rest his head, he didn't mean that he didn't have a home. In fact, God wants you to have many homes, the more the better! What he meant was that he had so many houses under his name, that he didn't know which one to go to. It can be a daunting task to decide. Pray.
5-You'll always be healthy
According to the document, you are supposed to always be healthy. Jesus healed all the people who asked him to. He even raised Lazarus from the dead! And since the logic follows that believers NEVER get sick, it is rumored that Lazarus is still alive and hiding. He may be in Pakistan in a house near a military base.
What else do you think this document said? You might know more than you think!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
#61. When worship leaders leave the church and the pastors ignore it
Remember that guy that had the voice of an angel and the looks of a mix between Sting and Lady Gaga? Remember him? He was your worship leader for 5 years, but then one Sunday, he wasn't there. And then he wasn't there anymore.
Of course, you expect your pastor to acknowledge this and explain what happened, but nothing. He acts like the tone deaf lady who's now in charge of worship was there all along. So where does that leave you? Well, all you can do is wonder. Here are some possibilities as to what happened to your former worship leader. Of course, we would never think he left because he was offered more money by another church, or because he had a disagreement with the pastor. No, we'll think holier things.
Solving the mystery
1-He got carried to heaven a-la-Elijah. If so, make sure to get dibs on the mantle, or in his case the microphone.
2-He felt called to simpler things and now plays an ukulele with an unreached "tribe" in Hawaii.
3-He's auditioning for American Idol, and that way you can get excited for a "real" Christian on the show.
4-He's in a monastery somewhere in the Fij ilands.
5-He committed to a one year vow of silence.
6-He stopped buying and using a gallon of hair products and now sends all his money to charity.
7-He got married and has 17 kids who take all of his time.
Has this happened to you? Has a church leader left unexpectedly and your pastors never brought it up?
Of course, you expect your pastor to acknowledge this and explain what happened, but nothing. He acts like the tone deaf lady who's now in charge of worship was there all along. So where does that leave you? Well, all you can do is wonder. Here are some possibilities as to what happened to your former worship leader. Of course, we would never think he left because he was offered more money by another church, or because he had a disagreement with the pastor. No, we'll think holier things.
Solving the mystery
1-He got carried to heaven a-la-Elijah. If so, make sure to get dibs on the mantle, or in his case the microphone.
2-He felt called to simpler things and now plays an ukulele with an unreached "tribe" in Hawaii.
3-He's auditioning for American Idol, and that way you can get excited for a "real" Christian on the show.
4-He's in a monastery somewhere in the Fij ilands.
5-He committed to a one year vow of silence.
6-He stopped buying and using a gallon of hair products and now sends all his money to charity.
7-He got married and has 17 kids who take all of his time.
Has this happened to you? Has a church leader left unexpectedly and your pastors never brought it up?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
#60. Non-Christian email addresses
I have a non-Christian email address, so it's possible that many of you hate me right now. I'm sorry. What does it mean to have a Christian sounding email address? Here are some examples below:
1.Redeemed4Real
This is a great example of a saved email address. There's the clear mention of redemption and just in case someone had doubts, there's the "4Real" part. By using the "4" you're also showing that you're very much hip and relevant.
2-WWJDWAEA
This translates to, What Would Jesus Do With An Email Address. It's kind of a hassle to give your email address to someone, but that only makes you look holier. Good job.
3-Halleluyers45
This is more for the urban crowd of believers. By adding your favorite number, you are personalizing your ghetto praises. Fantastic.
Okay, but seriously, it doesn't really matter what your email address is, unless of course you use a curse word or something like that. An email address does not relate at all to your spiritual standing in the eyes of God. So please, stop hating me for having a regular email address.
1.Redeemed4Real
This is a great example of a saved email address. There's the clear mention of redemption and just in case someone had doubts, there's the "4Real" part. By using the "4" you're also showing that you're very much hip and relevant.
2-WWJDWAEA
This translates to, What Would Jesus Do With An Email Address. It's kind of a hassle to give your email address to someone, but that only makes you look holier. Good job.
3-Halleluyers45
This is more for the urban crowd of believers. By adding your favorite number, you are personalizing your ghetto praises. Fantastic.
Okay, but seriously, it doesn't really matter what your email address is, unless of course you use a curse word or something like that. An email address does not relate at all to your spiritual standing in the eyes of God. So please, stop hating me for having a regular email address.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
#59. Youth pastors or leaders without a goatee
Close your eyes, now try and remember your youth pastor. Does he have a goatee or some sort of facial hair? If the answer is no, then you have been lied to. That guy could not have been your youth pastor.
I'm exaggerating of course, but in my experience, every youth leader or youth pastor that I've met had a goatee, beard or mustache. Maybe that's part of the contract? Some sort of modern age levite rite? If you're reading this and have a passion for the youth and feel called to serve and lead them, then remember these few things:
1-Grow a goatee.
2-When you talk, use your hands a lot.
3-Try and say, "What's up" whenever you can.
4-Also, when appropriate, say "Yo" a couple of times.
4-Yell for 90 percent of your sermon.
5-Be super-competitive when playing sports.
Anything else I forgot to add?
I'm exaggerating of course, but in my experience, every youth leader or youth pastor that I've met had a goatee, beard or mustache. Maybe that's part of the contract? Some sort of modern age levite rite? If you're reading this and have a passion for the youth and feel called to serve and lead them, then remember these few things:
1-Grow a goatee.
2-When you talk, use your hands a lot.
3-Try and say, "What's up" whenever you can.
4-Also, when appropriate, say "Yo" a couple of times.
4-Yell for 90 percent of your sermon.
5-Be super-competitive when playing sports.
Anything else I forgot to add?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
#58. People who predict the end of the world
This post was originally featured in my friend Heather's blog, here. But since the it's an appropriate time, I'm sharing it here with you!
---
My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said: “May 21, 2011 – Judgment Day!” I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine’s Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.
But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There’s always some self-proclaimed expert and “prophet” who predicts the end of the world. Those “prophets” have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there’s many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.
If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you’re so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.
Question 1:
When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father,” what do you think that means? (Mark 13:32, NKJV) Seriously, when he says “no one,” do you think that means, “no one, except for Timothy Kratz in the year 2011, who’s a really clever guy. He’s so cool. He only buys Apple products?”
Question 2:
When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?
Question 3
Are you crazy? I’m not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. So maybe that’s something you may want to look into. Just talk to someone about it before your make an order on the billboards.
All I’m saying is that God’s word is pretty clear in this matter. As believers, we shouldn’t just follow anyone who claims to know something special that is not revealed in scripture. Let us trust God’s word and measure what anyone says against it. Have you seen any of these billboard ads? And how do you think people come up with all these dates?
---
My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said: “May 21, 2011 – Judgment Day!” I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine’s Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.
But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There’s always some self-proclaimed expert and “prophet” who predicts the end of the world. Those “prophets” have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there’s many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.
If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you’re so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.
Question 1:
When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father,” what do you think that means? (Mark 13:32, NKJV) Seriously, when he says “no one,” do you think that means, “no one, except for Timothy Kratz in the year 2011, who’s a really clever guy. He’s so cool. He only buys Apple products?”
Question 2:
When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?
Question 3
Are you crazy? I’m not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. So maybe that’s something you may want to look into. Just talk to someone about it before your make an order on the billboards.
All I’m saying is that God’s word is pretty clear in this matter. As believers, we shouldn’t just follow anyone who claims to know something special that is not revealed in scripture. Let us trust God’s word and measure what anyone says against it. Have you seen any of these billboard ads? And how do you think people come up with all these dates?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)