#33. The Power Team

(We'll end the month with some powerful stuff! Thanks for reading and for linking to your friends!)

Remember that time when Elijah told Elisha, "Hey, watch me rip these yellow pages in half and see how awesome our God is?" No? Me either, because it obviously never happened. Not only because they didn't have yellow pages then, except maybe for actual paper that turned yellow, but also because Elijah was not part of The Power Team.

I know, my life is in danger by writing about them in a negative light. But I got to keep it real, son.

The Power Team consists of guys who are so muscular that it seems they did P90X, 90 times. Please read that sentence again. These guys go to your church, tear apart yellow pages, bend spoons or something like that and all this is supposed to make you wonder how awesome God is.


But actually, what everyone wonders is:

1-What is going on here?

2-Why are they so mad at a phone book?

3-What kind of steroids are they taking?

4-Does Jose Canseco know about this?

Have you seen their performances? Were you spiritually transformed? And if you're a member of The Power Team reading this, please don't beat me up.

#32. When someone pulls out the "G" card

Every once in a while someone will pull out the "G" card and they're serious about it.

My wife: I wonder why water is so good for you. You know? Maybe the composition of the elements? Why do you think it's so good, honey?

Me: Because God made it!!

I could have said, "Booya!" at the end of that statement. I was joking with my wife, of course. Yes, God did create water and everything else we see, but she wasn't asking me about that. She just wanted to know my thoughts on the elements that make water so healthy, so necessary.

The reason I answered her like that was because we had recently spoken of someone pulling the God card on me. And they meant it. In other words, you're having a regular conversation with other fellow believers and you have a genuine question that can be answered with the reasoning of your created mind, but instead someone throws out the "G" card.

Example 1:

Me: I lost my wallet. Have you seen it?

Friend: Seek first the kingdom of God!

Me: What?


Example 2:

Me: I'm concerned with the suffering of those orphans we heard about yesterday. We've got to do something.

Friend: But God wins in the end!

Me: Why are you doing this to me?

Obviously, as a Christian I know that God wins in the end, but those orphans need our help today. That was just really unnecessary and kind of a jerk thing to say. Have you had a similar experience before?

#31. Feeling guilty about throwing away an old church bulletin

For how long are you expected to keep your church bulletin tucked in your Bible? Is it wrong to throw it out right away? These are some challenging questions. I feel guilty about throwing it away right after the sermon, but should I feel guilty? It's not like I'm throwing away my Bible.

This guilt has plagued me for a while. I used to keep so many of them tucked in the back pages of my Bible, that it became a hassle to carry it around. People would know I was around because of the paper trail. The bulletins were exploding out of my Bible and wanted to end their lives in a dignified way. Recycled, that is.

My wife takes notes, so she keeps hers for a while. But I don't take notes, or if I do, I take a notebook for that. So my bulletins are just pieces of papers with directions to fill in the blanks. But, since they came from a church, is it wrong to throw them away right after the service?

I'm not sure. I don't think anyone knows. It is unknowable. To be on the safe side, I keep about two weeks worth, then I start eliminating them. Sometimes I walk to the trash can in shame, hoping my wife does not notice the blasphemy I'm about to commit. But she knows. And she still loves me. And I think that's freeing me.

Have you ever felt this way?

#30. When someone takes your seat at church

You've been sitting at the same pew of the Holy Church of All Ages and Eternity for about 12 years now. Although no one has assigned seats, everyone knows that the last pew on the third row is yours. Even when you can't make it because you're sick, people know to respect your spot.

But that all changes when new people start coming to church. And the one day you come in a little bit late, guess what happens? Yup, someone just stole your seat. At least that's what you feel like. Someone just broke the eight commandment right in the middle of the sanctuary. The nerve!

To avoid this tragedy from happening again, here are some things you can do:

1-Tag your chair

Any regular sharpie would do. Just write your name on the back of the chair. That way, if someone pulls the old, "Oh yeah? Does this chair have your name?" bit, you can say yes, and proceed to show them the evidence.

2-Mark your chair

This is a bit extreme, but it's worth it. Just bring your dog and make sure he does his business around the legs of your chair. Yeah, you may need to wear a dust mask for a week and bring some for the rest of your aisle, but you would have made your point.

3-Take your chair

That's right, just take your chair. That is, if you can physically remove it from the ground. It depends on the church. The following Sunday your aisle will be down on chair. Going away on a business trip? Well, you don't have to fly coach anymore. You have just made up your own class. And that's classy (The Office reference, kudos if you get it.)

Can you think of any other methods to prevent this from happening? How can you keep your spot saved? (pun!)

#29. Not having a prayer request during a small group

It was a heart-breaking small group meeting. Everyone opened up about their issues. Tears came out. Tears came out, I said. One by one, each person shared a part of their hearts and now they're all sharing prayer requests. As they take turns and you await yours, you realize that you really have no pressing matter to bring up to the group. There's no real emergency right now in your life, plus your spouse already talked about the things that affect both of you.

But what do you do? Are you going to be the only one in the room without a prayer request? Are they going to think that you think you're better than them? Did your spouse just elbow you? Unless you're a prayer hero, then you know what I'm talking about.

If you have ever found yourself in this situation you are not alone. Sometimes, you just can't think of a pressing matter to say. But alas, you have to fear no more. I give you the official Making Up Prayer Request Guideline (or MUPRG). The higher your score, the more chances you have of succeeding in this desperate situation. What would work for you?



The MUPRG Scorecard


1-You go for the classic, "I need to spend more time in the Word," request. = +2 points

2-You ask to please pray for your pastors, elders, deacons, youth leaders, parking volunteers, janitor and even the stray cat. = +4 points

3-You stare at the ceiling and pretend you're having some sort of revelation. = -2 points

4-You mention a Greek word and explain how that relates to your life in prayer. = +1 point

5-You say that you don't have a specific request because your whole life is a prayer to God. = -3 points

6-They encourage you to be open, that it's okay and you need not be afraid. = +2 points

7-You go for the classic, "I need more peace in my life," request. = +2 points

8-You say that, as you give a dirty look to your spouse. = +3 points

9-You ask everyone to hold hands and please pray for you. = +4 points

10-You don't say anything, but you silently shed one single tear. =+7 points

If you were in this situation, what would your score be?

#28. Being judged because of your Blackberry

If you see me using my BlackBerry during a church service, 98 percent of the time I'm using my Bible App. The other two percent I may be texting directions to a friend, or maybe trying to use my Shazaam application during the worship to figure out what song they're singing. It's all biblical related! Shazaam!! (I always wanted to use the name of that app in a sentence somehow)


I do admit, however, that not everyone uses their Smartphone for such noble causes. But just because some people are rude, does not mean that all of us are. So if you're like me and find yourself being judged by the people around you, there are several things we can do.


1-Tell it like it is

If the people around you give you a look of disbelief and shake their heads, it's okay to yell, "I'm reading my Bible! I'm reading my Bible!" It's also okay to participate in an informal Bible page-turning competition. When the pastor says a book and verse, you'll get there faster on your iPhone, so just simply state the facts. "First book of Corinthians chapter 13, in just 1.5 seconds."

2-Shine a Light

So the pastor dimmed the lights. The mood is now one of introspection. However, in that peaceful mood he asks for the church to open their Bibles and find a passage. Well, guess who has the only Bible with an LCD display? You do! As everyone else tries to squint their eyes to see in the darkness, you can even wear shades if you want to!

3-Go biblical on them

Now, if you really want to change things, there's definitely one direction you could take. Go to Seminary school, become a pastor, get hired, and when you're going to read your Bible to preach a sermon, pull out your new BlackBerry Torch. Oh yeah, Church 2.0.

Has this ever happened to you? Or do you know anyone who feels wrongly judged because of their phones during service?

#27. Friending "God" on social media sites

I don't know if this is happening on Facebook, but I remember that when MySpace was cool, I once got a friend request from "God." I remember that the profile picture was taken from Michael Angelo's Sistine Chapel and that Mel Gibson was his favorite director.

This person, posing as the Almighty, was leaving encouraging messages on the pages of all his "friends." I don't remember if he identified with any particular religion, but he certainly (or she), was leaving "inspiring messages" all over MySpace. And no, I didn't friend him. I mean, who would think of doing such a thing?

Here are three questions I would ask to that person who posed as God on MySpace:

1-Would God really make a profile on MySpace?

First of all, discounting how ridiculous that is, God would know that MySpace had the lifespan of a fruit fly. Why would he even waste his time joining such a ridiculous and boring site?

2-How arrogant do you have to be to say you're "God" on MySpace?

That's a bold move sir. That's a bold move. You could have posed as Tom Cruise, or even Chuck Norris, but to pose as God? Come on man, if that's not blasphemy then I don't know what is.

3-Did you condemn me because I didn't friend you?

I'm sure that there are many people like me who thought you were a weirdo on a pride trip. What do you think of us who denied your friend request? Is there a list you kept? Did you take my name off of the book of "MySpace life?" Oh no, wait, I did that. I deleted my account when I realized that the site had become a haven for pedophiles and narcissists lunatics.

For shame sir, for shame.