#63. DTR and other acronyms

Sometime ago, my wife and I were watching an episode of Friends and one of the issues afflicting someone in the cast (Ross, to be exact) was having to "define the relationship" with a girlfriend of his, or DTR, as my wife informed it is known in the Christian circles.

Since I didn't grow up as a Christian (As a good Cuban, I was raised Catholic), I had no idea of such an acronym. In light of that, I think we should come up with some new ones.

AWIAR? - Are We In A Relationship?

OWLM - Our Worship Leader is a Metrosexual

MPBY - My Pastor is Better than Yours

DBD - Dan Brown is the Devil

BYOB - Bring Your Own Bible

Can you think of anymore?

#62. Prosperity Gospel Teachers, a secret document

In one way or another, I have spoken about prosperity teachers in many other blog entries. My verdict? They preach a false gospel that cheapens the true gospel of redemption and salvation of our souls. Furthermore, I don't understand how can someone read the Bible and really think that the whole point is that God wants us to be rich and live comfortable lives. How does that happen?

Fortunately for you, I've found a secret document used by some of those prosperity teachers. Some of the verses and characters have changed:

1-Suffering and Persecution
Whenever the word suffering appears in the Bible, it should be read as "enjoy." Likewise, when the word "persecution" appears, it should be read as "a spanking new mansion." So for instance, when the Bible says, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." In the prosperity gospel it means, "Everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ will enjoy a spanking new mansion."

2-Moses
According to the secret document, Moses kept all his riches from when he was in Egypt and this is why his face was shining most of the time. He was mad at the creation of the golden calf because Aaron and his crew had stolen Moses' Egyptian loot.

3-Abundant life
The word abundant no longer means "full," as in full of trials and suffering and all things in this life both band and good. No sir, "abundant" now means, "A Mercedes Benz and some bling on my wrist."

4-MTV Cribs
When Jesus said that He had nowhere to rest his head, he didn't mean that he didn't have a home. In fact, God wants you to have many homes, the more the better! What he meant was that he had so many houses under his name, that he didn't know which one to go to. It can be a daunting task to decide. Pray.

5-You'll always be healthy
According to the document, you are supposed to always be healthy. Jesus healed all the people who asked him to. He even raised Lazarus from the dead! And since the logic follows that believers NEVER get sick, it is rumored that Lazarus is still alive and hiding. He may be in Pakistan in a house near a military base.


What else do you think this document said? You might know more than you think!

#60. Non-Christian email addresses

I have a non-Christian email address, so it's possible that many of you hate me right now. I'm sorry. What does it mean to have a Christian sounding email address? Here are some examples below:

1.Redeemed4Real
This is a great example of a saved email address. There's the clear mention of redemption and just in case someone had doubts, there's the "4Real" part. By using the "4" you're also showing that you're very much hip and relevant.

2-WWJDWAEA
This translates to, What Would Jesus Do With An Email Address. It's kind of a hassle to give your email address to someone, but that only makes you look holier. Good job.

3-Halleluyers45
This is more for the urban crowd of believers. By adding your favorite number, you are personalizing your ghetto praises. Fantastic.

Okay, but seriously, it doesn't really matter what your email address is, unless of course you use a curse word or something like that. An email address does not relate at all to your spiritual standing in the eyes of God. So please, stop hating me for having a regular email address.

My favorite ones so far...

-People who don't like C.S. Lewis
-Rob Bell
-People who predict the end of the world
-Being Judged because You Use the Table of Contents
-Your "theologian" friend
-Feeling Guilty About Throwing Away Your Old Church Bulletin
-Dan Brown

#59. Youth pastors or leaders without a goatee

Close your eyes, now try and remember your youth pastor. Does he have a goatee or some sort of facial hair? If the answer is no, then you have been lied to. That guy could not have been your youth pastor.

I'm exaggerating of course, but in my experience, every youth leader or youth pastor that I've met had a goatee, beard or mustache. Maybe that's part of the contract? Some sort of modern age levite rite? If you're reading this and have a passion for the youth and feel called to serve and lead them, then remember these few things:

1-Grow a goatee.
2-When you talk, use your hands a lot.
3-Try and say, "What's up" whenever you can.
4-Also, when appropriate, say "Yo" a couple of times.
4-Yell for 90 percent of your sermon.
5-Be super-competitive when playing sports.

Anything else I forgot to add?

#58. People who predict the end of the world

This post was originally featured in my friend Heather's blog, here. But since the it's an appropriate time, I'm sharing it here with you!
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My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said: “May 21, 2011 – Judgment Day!” I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine’s Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.

But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There’s always some self-proclaimed expert and “prophet” who predicts the end of the world. Those “prophets” have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there’s many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.

If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you’re so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.

Question 1:

When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, “But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father,” what do you think that means? (Mark 13:32, NKJV) Seriously, when he says “no one,” do you think that means, “no one, except for Timothy Kratz in the year 2011, who’s a really clever guy. He’s so cool. He only buys Apple products?”

Question 2:

When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?

Question 3

Are you crazy? I’m not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. So maybe that’s something you may want to look into. Just talk to someone about it before your make an order on the billboards.

All I’m saying is that God’s word is pretty clear in this matter. As believers, we shouldn’t just follow anyone who claims to know something special that is not revealed in scripture. Let us trust God’s word and measure what anyone says against it. Have you seen any of these billboard ads? And how do you think people come up with all these dates?

#57. People who say they'll "pray about it" but mean no

Me: Can you help me move this table?
Friend: Let me pray about it.
Me: What? Why?

Some people hate confrontation so they won't say "no" to anything you ask, but instead will say, "let me pray about it." By the time their prayer time is over, you already moved the table out of harm's way.

Of course, there are many legitimate times when we need to pray about something. The Bible does tell us that we need to be in constant prayer, but don't use that as an excuse to not do anything.

Go ahead and pray, but please help me move that table!

#58. People who predict the end of the world

This post was originally featured on my friend Heather's blog, here. But since it's appropriate for today, here it is!
---

My wife and I were on a road trip a couple of weeks ago when we saw a Billboard that said, "May 21, 2011 - Judgment Day!" I thought it was really nice that at least we would have Valentine's Day. I always love the prices on candy the day after.

But seriously, has anyone else seen those signs? There's always some self-proclaimed expert and "prophet" who predicts the end of the world. Those lunatics have always been around. For example, some guy (Seventh-day Adventist founder) predicted that the world would end on October 22, 1844. Obviously, the world only ended for him. Life kept on going. And there's many other people who came up with different days, using different calculations. They were all wrong.

If you happen to be one of those people that know exactly when the end of all things is, then I have couple of questions for you. Please read on. If you're so certain of your set date, then just humor me while we have some time.


Question 1

When Jesus said this, in reference to His return, "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father," what do you think that means?

Seriously, when he says "no one," do you think that means, "no one else, except for Timothy Kratz who's a really clever guy. I mean, he only buys Apple products?" (Mark 13:32)


Question 2

When Jesus says that only the Father knows, do you think he was kidding? Do you think that maybe He just wanted to throw in a joke to mix things up?

Question 3

Are you crazy? I'm not trying to offend you here. They say that crazy people don't know they're crazy. So maybe that's something you may want to look into.

Now for the rest of us, who trust God's word, have you seen any of these billboard ads? And why do you think people come up with these random dates?