#74. People Who Use Ministry to be Lazy

Ever met a guy (or gal) who had no idea what they were going to do with their lives until they felt "called" to ministry?

For some people, "doing ministry" is an excuse to avoid real life and growing up. It's also another excuse to not get a "real" job. In a completely unrelated topic, please send me any money you can  (I take checks, PayPal, credit cards, money orders and even Bitcoins) in order to fulfill a "calling" I just heard.

Now, of course, there are many Christian brothers and sisters doing a wonderful job in spreading the gospel, so I don't want to group them all together and make generalizations. Those folks are doing a real an hard job. But with that in mind, here are some red flags that should raise some suspicion in you:

"Tourist Destination"
Bob and Mary are always taking short term "missions" trips to either Hawaii, Florida or the Bahamas. Their "missionary" photos are usually taken in a badly lit hotel room (on purpose), but you can clearly see the beach behind them.

"The Vanished"
Speaking of Bob and Mary, after sending you a beautifully written letter with at least seven Bible verses, you haven't heard from then again. Bob and Mary have not left their house in a year. They haven't even left town. They also ignore your calls.

"Debt Ceiling"
Your friend Bob just finished seminary school and has a LOT of debt. You may get some letters soon.

"Good Sunday"
At some point in your friendship, your friend Bob mentioned how awesome it is that pastors "only" have to work  on Sundays.

"Prosperity"
Your friend's ministry hero and role model is Joel Osteen. That should be a given right there.

"Seminary Amnesia"
After spending four years in seminary school, Bob claims he has no life skills whatsoever, besides hermeneutics and theological treatises, of course. Want a job at Wal-Mart? No? Forgot how to push a cart? How about a job cleaning the church? No? Never heard of a mop either?

These six red flags should give you something to think about. Did I forget anything? Do you know anyone like this?

#73. Sexing Up the Song of Solomon

Hi pastors (not all of you, of course), we know that one of the interpretations of the Song of Solomon has to do with sex. We know because we have been recently bombarded with this all over the Interwebs. But, dude, chill. I don't need you to describe to me in detail what Solomon or his lady meant. There's a reason why it's a song, it's poetry and not 50 Shades of Grey.

Although my daughter is only one year old, I don't want her growing up in a church were a pastor and his wife preach from a bed or something freaky like that. Also, don't you think that by giving these explicit talks to the whole church, you are arousing lust in single people?

Now, for the rest of us:

Imagine then that you invite your non-believing friend for the first time to church and the pastor says, "Open up your Bible to the Song of Solomon," with a smirk on his face. Oh no. You know what's going down. But, there's still hope, you think. Maybe the pastor won't go into detail, or maybe he'll begin by saying how this serves as an allegory of Christ's love for his bride, the church.

But then he says, "And by 'pleasant fruits' she meant..."

Get your friend and run. Seriously.

#72. Joel Osteen

I know, this is a controversial topic. Christians haven't been this divided...since countless of other recent topics. But why pick on happy-go-lucky Joel? Well, let's see, he refused to tell Larry King that Jesus is the only way to heaven. So, it seems to me that Joel Osteen wants everyone to like him, and this most certainly would have alienated him. His megabesteller, Your Best Life Now, is pretty much a recipe for positive thinking with a little God thrown in there to make it sound "Christian." There's no mention of sin, redemption, or the cross, which is weird for a Christian pastor.

In essence, Joel Osteen is a self-help teacher with a lot of New Age mumbo-jumbo mixed in. Speaking of New Age, here's a fun game. Can you tell which phrase comes from Joel Osteen and which one comes from the New Age bestseller The Secret? If you don't know, The Secret is essentially a collection of New Age maxims about positive thinking, health and wealth. I know, sounds like an Osteen book. Here's the quiz. Don't cheat!

Joel Osteen vs The Secret

QUESTION 1
“There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstances of your life can change! ” 

QUESTION 2
"Take time to make a difference. Think about  how you can make somebody else's life better."

QUESTION 3
"You will never change what you tolerate."

QUESTION 4
“Ask once, believe you have received, and all you have to do to receive is feel good.” 

QUESTION 5
“You cannot expect victory and plan for defeat.” 

QUESTION 6
"You will produce what you're continually seeing in your mind."

QUESTION 7
“You have to feel love to harness its power!” 

QUESTION 8
"Your thoughts become things!"

QUESTION 9
"Start calling yourself healed, happy, whole, blessed, and prosperous."

QUESTION 10
"You become what you think about most. But you also attract what you think about most."


How did you do?
Drag your mouse below to reveal the answers!
1-The Secret
2-Joel Osteen
3-Joel Osteen
4-The Secret
5-Joel Osteen
6-Joel Osteen
7-The Secret
8-The Secret
9-Joel Osteen
10-The Secret

#71. Unspoken Prayer Requests

The problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it lets people assume things.

Me: Anyone else has a prayer request?
Silent Bob: Yeah, I have an unspoken prayer request.
Me (my imagination): Hmm...he probably needs prayer because he started cooking and dealing crystal meth after he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He does seem thinner. I bet he'll grow a goatee and shave his head...

Did I just describe the plot to Breaking Bad? Maybe.

But the main problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it doesn't allow for fellowship. If we never confess our sins to each other and if we don't help each other with our struggles, it's really hard to heal.

#70. Demons in Plays

Oh, look, the youth group has prepared a play and they're going to share it with the whole church. Seeing as we serve a creative God, no doubt these inspired and energetic teenagers are going to find fresh ways to communicate the hope of the gospel. Oh, wait. There's a couple of hooded figures in the corner. Never mind. They are going to show demons trapping Christians, AGAIN. Oh, but don't worry, in the end someone dressed in white is going  to defeat the demons. This could be Jesus, an Angel, or Dumbledore. It's never really clear.

Is there no other way to show a Christian's struggle and hope in Jesus other than a Lifehouse song from six years ago and two pre-teens in old Halloween costumes?

I'm not saying that these plays are bad, but they are really overdone and cliché by now. Come on guys, we can do better than that.

                                         One google find of many