I'm not a big fan on online church. First of all, because you'll certainly lack the benefits and fellowship of community. And second of all, because there are no written protocols on how to behave.
If you are an avid supporter of online church, then I have some questions for you.
1-When the worship leader asks everyone to stand up, do you also get up from your bed?
2-Is surfing the Internet in a different tab, as you watch the sermon, a sin?
3-When they bow their head in prayer, is it okay for you to grab some Doritos?
4-When asked to say hi to the person next to you, do you pretend there's someone else in your house?
5-If you don't like their selection of worship songs, can you mute the video and use some from your iTunes library?
Oh, there are so many questions! Are you a supporter of online church? Or, do you have any questions for such supporters?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Grow up!
Hi there! One of my posts was featured at Grow Up 318! Go check out Heather's blog and tell her I sent you from here.
Here's the post!
People who predict the end of the world
Here's the post!
People who predict the end of the world
#37. Being judged because you use the table of contents in your Bible
Your pastor asks you to turn to the book of Obadiah, but you're not even sure if he's being serious. Did someone just add a new book last year? Is there like a remix version? But alas, he is not kidding. So what do you do? Naturally, you turn to your Table of Contents. Bad move, bad move young one.
The person next to you shakes her head in dissapointment. She whispers something to the person next to her. They both laugh and look in your general direction. That's right, you have been judged because you turned over to the table of contents in your Bible. What do you do? Fortunately, I have some suggestions for you.
What not to do
-Don't say, "I can find the book of Psalms without looking!" Anyone can find the book of Psalms. It is conveniently located in the middle of the Bible and it has a lot of chapters, so all you have to do is open up your Bible to get there. Even a caveman can do it (If they were able to read and had a Bible).
-Don't quote sayings that sound biblical but are not. Example, don't say, "I love it when the Bible says, 'God helps those who help themselves.'" Not only does the Bible not say that, but you may encounter some theological discussions in your path.
What to do
-Memorize every book of the Bible. That's right, the entire thing. Other people may memorize verses, but you my friend, you will know where every book is located, page number and everything!
-Tell them that you went Dead Poets Society on them! You completely ripped out the entire table of contents of your Bible. You don't care for it! As Mr. Keating would say, "Be gone J. Evans Pritchard, Ph.D. Rip, shred, tear, rip it out!"
That was an awesome movie, wasn't it? Anyway, have you ever used the Table of Contents? Have you felt judged? Have you judged someone else?
The person next to you shakes her head in dissapointment. She whispers something to the person next to her. They both laugh and look in your general direction. That's right, you have been judged because you turned over to the table of contents in your Bible. What do you do? Fortunately, I have some suggestions for you.
What not to do
-Don't say, "I can find the book of Psalms without looking!" Anyone can find the book of Psalms. It is conveniently located in the middle of the Bible and it has a lot of chapters, so all you have to do is open up your Bible to get there. Even a caveman can do it (If they were able to read and had a Bible).
-Don't quote sayings that sound biblical but are not. Example, don't say, "I love it when the Bible says, 'God helps those who help themselves.'" Not only does the Bible not say that, but you may encounter some theological discussions in your path.
What to do
-Memorize every book of the Bible. That's right, the entire thing. Other people may memorize verses, but you my friend, you will know where every book is located, page number and everything!
-Tell them that you went Dead Poets Society on them! You completely ripped out the entire table of contents of your Bible. You don't care for it! As Mr. Keating would say, "Be gone J. Evans Pritchard, Ph.D. Rip, shred, tear, rip it out!"
That was an awesome movie, wasn't it? Anyway, have you ever used the Table of Contents? Have you felt judged? Have you judged someone else?
Friday, March 4, 2011
#36. When you're single and people try to marry you off
If you're a Christian and you're single for more than five minutes, then there must be something wrong with you. Not really, but that seems to be mentality in most of our churches today. There's always a conspiracy between your married friends to "hook you up" with someone. At first you don't really notice it. You think that your friends don't have a secret agenda with your life planned out. But if you pay attention, you can see the signs.
-When you go out to the movies
You went out with a large group of people to the movies. Just some brothers and sisters in Christ spending some time in fellowship. That's what you think! Suddenly, the scenario changes. Every one of those people quickly pairs up with someone else, leaving you alone with the other single person that was tricked. Guess what? They also saved you a spot next to each other so that you can watch a romantic comedy side by side.
-The things in common
There's the classic, "you have so many things in common" line, even when those "things in common" can be shared with about 1.5 other billion people in the world. For example, your friend will tell you something like, "She goes to church, just like you. She has a Bible too! What's yours ESV? So it's hers! Match made in heaven, or what?!"
-The "romantic" stalker
Some people in church are creepy. That's a fact. For some reason, some of your friends don't see that and want to set you up with unique individuals. Your friend Christine may want to set you up with a stalker/creepy guy that you don't even know. "So he wrote you a letter saying that God told him in a dream that you belong together? That's so powerful! And he carries a picture of you that he took from your little brother's wallet? How romantic!"
Have you had a similar experience?
-When you go out to the movies
You went out with a large group of people to the movies. Just some brothers and sisters in Christ spending some time in fellowship. That's what you think! Suddenly, the scenario changes. Every one of those people quickly pairs up with someone else, leaving you alone with the other single person that was tricked. Guess what? They also saved you a spot next to each other so that you can watch a romantic comedy side by side.
-The things in common
There's the classic, "you have so many things in common" line, even when those "things in common" can be shared with about 1.5 other billion people in the world. For example, your friend will tell you something like, "She goes to church, just like you. She has a Bible too! What's yours ESV? So it's hers! Match made in heaven, or what?!"
-The "romantic" stalker
Some people in church are creepy. That's a fact. For some reason, some of your friends don't see that and want to set you up with unique individuals. Your friend Christine may want to set you up with a stalker/creepy guy that you don't even know. "So he wrote you a letter saying that God told him in a dream that you belong together? That's so powerful! And he carries a picture of you that he took from your little brother's wallet? How romantic!"
Have you had a similar experience?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
#35. People who pretend they don't watch TV, but secretly do
Have you ever felt judged because you watch television? Not too much television, but just because you own a TV? It happens, my friends, it happens. It can be subtle at times, but other times it's just plain blunt.
Me: Hey, did you see The Office last night?
Bob: What is The Office?
Me: Are we on Jeopardy? Just kidding. Hmm, the office is a TV sitcom. It's really funny.
Bob: I don't watch TV. I spend most of my time reading or in silent meditation. Many times I'm praying for people like you who give away so much time to the consumer-driven culture of our time.
Me: A simple no would have sufficed.
What usually follows that kind of exchange is this: The following week, you stop by Bob's house without announcing it. Maybe you're friends with his roommate or something like that. When you walk in, expecting to find Bob in the Lotus position, you find him glued to the couch in front of a 52" plasma TV with a Bose surround sound system.
It turns out that Bob was just a poser.
Me: Hey, did you see The Office last night?
Bob: What is The Office?
Me: Are we on Jeopardy? Just kidding. Hmm, the office is a TV sitcom. It's really funny.
Bob: I don't watch TV. I spend most of my time reading or in silent meditation. Many times I'm praying for people like you who give away so much time to the consumer-driven culture of our time.
Me: A simple no would have sufficed.
What usually follows that kind of exchange is this: The following week, you stop by Bob's house without announcing it. Maybe you're friends with his roommate or something like that. When you walk in, expecting to find Bob in the Lotus position, you find him glued to the couch in front of a 52" plasma TV with a Bose surround sound system.
It turns out that Bob was just a poser.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
#34. Seeing someone from the church you left
There was an old church you used to go to, but one day your eyes were opened and realized that it was sort of a scam. Every sermon preached was about prosperity and how to make a better you, and how you can be happy and how you can lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks, and how you can look younger...and, you get the idea. It was all about you and about money. No sin, no gospel, just a prayer in the end to accept Jesus as your savior. I suppose a savior from poverty and low-self esteem.
Anyway, you left that place without really saying goodbye. In one of their praise-a-thon, when people started throwing money at the preacher, you just got up and left.
Fast forward six months later. You're finally free from all those lies but you run into one of your old church members. This guy wasn't really your friend, but you were acquainted with him, so he remembers you. The thing is, you never told anyone you left. For all you know, they think you're a heathen who left the faith. How do you handle this?
Fortunately for you, I have come up with some suggestions:
1-Go Jackie Chan on them
Don't know what "Jackie Chan" means? It's pretty simple. Let's say you see this person when you're out buying your groceries. They haven't seen you yet, but if you take a couple of more steps in the same direction you'll be busted. What do you do? You go Jackie Chan on them. If you have to climb up a wall, or dive into a display of cereal boxes, then you must! Sure, you may have to help clean up later, but your old friend Bob won't even know you were there.
2-Jason Bourne-them
If you can't "Go Jackie" on them because they saw you, then you must use the Jason Bourne technique. You walk right pass that person, and if he calls you by name, you turn around and have a blank stare on your face. The more blank the better. Just pretend you have never met them before or that you have amnesia, or that you are a trained government assassin that has amnesia and has never seen them before.
3-Jack Bauer-them
This is the ultimate technique and one that I seldom recommend. If none of the other two steps worked, then you have to go Jack Bauer on them. When they confront you about leaving the church, you grab them by their shirt and start yelling, "Tell me what you know! Tell me what you know!" This will certainly terrify your friend Bob and he'll never invite you back to the old church.
Have you ever been in a situation like this? What techniques have you applied?
Anyway, you left that place without really saying goodbye. In one of their praise-a-thon, when people started throwing money at the preacher, you just got up and left.
Fast forward six months later. You're finally free from all those lies but you run into one of your old church members. This guy wasn't really your friend, but you were acquainted with him, so he remembers you. The thing is, you never told anyone you left. For all you know, they think you're a heathen who left the faith. How do you handle this?
Fortunately for you, I have come up with some suggestions:
1-Go Jackie Chan on them
Don't know what "Jackie Chan" means? It's pretty simple. Let's say you see this person when you're out buying your groceries. They haven't seen you yet, but if you take a couple of more steps in the same direction you'll be busted. What do you do? You go Jackie Chan on them. If you have to climb up a wall, or dive into a display of cereal boxes, then you must! Sure, you may have to help clean up later, but your old friend Bob won't even know you were there.
2-Jason Bourne-them
If you can't "Go Jackie" on them because they saw you, then you must use the Jason Bourne technique. You walk right pass that person, and if he calls you by name, you turn around and have a blank stare on your face. The more blank the better. Just pretend you have never met them before or that you have amnesia, or that you are a trained government assassin that has amnesia and has never seen them before.
3-Jack Bauer-them
This is the ultimate technique and one that I seldom recommend. If none of the other two steps worked, then you have to go Jack Bauer on them. When they confront you about leaving the church, you grab them by their shirt and start yelling, "Tell me what you know! Tell me what you know!" This will certainly terrify your friend Bob and he'll never invite you back to the old church.
Have you ever been in a situation like this? What techniques have you applied?
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