#80. Pastor Unequivocally Condemns White Supremacists; Churchgoers Shocked

A local pastor in Kansas unequivocally denounced white supremacists on Sunday, without drawing a moral equivalency to other groups, stunning his entire congregation.

Michael Stevens, a parishioner, was one of the most affected. "He just stood there and said 'White supremacists are evil and I condemn them and so should any other fellow Christian'. And that was that. He didn't make any ambiguous statement as I'm used to in other churches. He didn't allow me to infer that he could have been talking about Black Lives Matter. I was stunned."

Mary Johnson doesn't think she'll be going back. "I've been coming to this church for 15 years and have never been so offended. He specifically condemned white supremacists. What about black supremacists? Or brown ones? Unbelievable."

The young pastor is bracing for a mass exodus from his most conservative members.

"The church down the road is nicer anyway," Johnson added. "I'm not confronted by the realities of this world and I can pretend that racism doesn't exist. It's a safe space, just like churches should be."

#78. That One Friend on Instagram

Ah, Instagram. A place where you can follow accounts that suit all of your interests. From worship pastors who post way too many pictures of themselves on stage, to your typical Christian friend and her perfectly filtered devotional photos.

There are millions of accounts on Instagram, but every Christian on there has one friend who tends to take things to the next level. You know who I'm talking about.

This friend's captions read more like a devotional than anything else. Apparently, every single event in their life is worthy of massive introspection and a compulsion to overshare everything.Whereas a normal person would post a picture of their kids in the park with something like, "They had so much fun at the park!"

This friend of yours would post something like this:

"As they both went down the slide, I began to think about how life is like a long slide. It can be scary when you're looking down, way into the future, but as my kids know to trust me that I'm there to catch them, I know that the Father is there to catch us. Little Johnny scraped his knee while I was writing this post, but he knows that once we get home, I'll put on a band-aid, and this make me think about how the Father has also healed all the wounds of my heart. #blessed #intentional #nofilter #vsco #simpleliving #authenticliving"

Is every moment in life worthy of an epiphany? No, if it were so, we would have no time to actually live with all of these sudden "revelations." A day in the park can be just that; pure fun.

How would your friend caption the picture below?

#77. Embarrassed by your Non-Christian Friend

Your friend John uses a curse word for every three safe ones. And not Christian curse words like "shoot," or "dang it," but the four letter ones I won't mention in this blog. On top of that, he smokes so much that he's constantly surrounded by a mist of smoke. Now, if he was a holier guy, you could get away with saying that this was the shekhinah following him around. But alas, John and holy do not match.

When it's just you and John, you really don't mind his cursing and smoking that much. However, when a Christian friend of yours is going to join you and John at a coffee shop, you feel the need to use a disclaimer.

Ever done that? We kind of feel like our friend John will embarrass us in front of our Christian friends. Or worse, that people will think that we condone John's use of the King Jame's language.

If you don't want to experience such shame no longer, I have some suggestions:

1-Wear a shirt that says "I'm with Heathen."
2-Warn your Christian friend that John has Tourette's
3-Pretend you're casting out a demon from John. Bonus point if you say "Expelliarmus!"
4-Pretend that you don't know John when your Christian friend arrives.
5-Ask your Christian friends to lay hands on John.
6-Tell your Christian friend, "that's weird, he was speaking in tongues just a minute ago!"

Hope this helps. Have you ever felt that you needed to make a disclaimer when hanging out with Christian and non-Christians friends?

#76. The Gift of Singleness

Happy Gift of Singleness Day! What an amazing time for you to grab a microwave meal and cuddle up with your three cats as you watch figure skating. Aren't you glad that God wants you to be single for the rest of your life? You're soooo blessed!

God must think you're very special to bless you with such a gift. I'm married, so I definitely know that such blessing was not bestowed upon me. And even before I was married, I was sure that such gift was meant for you. You always loved to have some alone time. Guess what? Now you have all the alone time in the world! Think of Paul. He was single. Maybe you can build some tents, too.

Look how happy they look! This could be you!

I know, I know, us married people are always happy to encourage others with the gift of singleness. Not fair you say. But here are some awesome benefits for having received the gift of singleness:

1-Economy: Think about it. Every time a couple goes to dinner, they have to pay for two meals. Unless, of course, they split every single meal, but even then, the guy will still be hungry and hit up McDonald's later that night. You don't have that problem! Just order an appetizer and some water.

2-Pets: Once the kids come, most pets have to go. Not always, but it happens more often than you think. In your case, you can have as many lolcats as you possibly can. Although, we all know that God is more of a dog lover. I mean, Dog and God work as a perfect anagram. So, get one.

3-Couple dinners: Yes, we married couples have secret dinners. We don't tell you because it's for couples and come on, it's awkward. You can't just bring your dog to Olive Garden. But don't worry, we'll block you from seeing our secret dinner pictures on Facebook.

4-Stop looking: That's the main advice we married folk can give you right now: Stop looking for Mr. Right. Or we'll also tell you, "It'll happen in God's time." Or, "God is working on you right now." Or, "You can focus on yourself." Meanwhile, I'll be having my secret couples dinner. Call you later.

5-Jesus is your husband: Congratulations! You literally are the bride of Christ! Sure, the whole thing with Jesus living in your heart does not make for a fun Valentine's Day dinner, but you can freak out the other couples in Olive Garden when you start speaking to your "date."

Are you single? What else have you heard from married couples or even your grandparents?

#75. Speaking Regular English

One of the things they don't tell you when you become a Christian is that we have our own language. Sure, it sounds like English, but if you listen, and it doesn't have to be that closely, you'll notice that it is a completely different thing.

So, you want to learn Christianese before your friends start calling you a heathen? No worries, here's a few things you need to know!

Intentional: This is probably the most popular one right now. We can't just have a meeting, it has to be an "intentional" meeting. There's intentional living, intentional community, intentional dating, you name it. Everything has to be "intentional."

In Christian love: This phrase basically gives you the freedom to completely bash someone. "Hey, I'm telling you this in christian love, but your voice is horrible. When you sing, it sounds like someone is punching a goat, but I'm telling you this in christian love."

Fellowship: When you hangout with a group of secular friends, you're just hanging out. But, if all the people hanging out with you are Christian, then you're automatically having fellowship. We can't just hang out like regular people, we are fellowshipping. Yes, I just made it into a verb. Now, if you, a powerful ring and eight other people get together, you're in a different kind of fellowship. Call me.

Doing life together: Going along with the idea of "fellowshipping," there's doing life together. Again, if your friend is not a Christian, you're just having dinner at their house. However, if they are Christian, then you must certainly are doing life together.

Just sayin': This applies mostly to the online world. This phrase apparently gives you the right to be a complete jerk on Facebook and then end your statement with "just sayin'." For instance, "Your baby looks like Chewbacca. Just sayin'."

I see you like a brother/sister in Christ: This really means, "I don't like you that way." This is the Christian equivalent of being friend-zoned. Another version of this is, "I'm dating God right now." How can you compete with that?

Pursue: This sounds like something a stalker does, but Christians use this term when talking about someone they're interested in romatically. "I'm pursuing her." You are? Does she need to get a restraining order?

I'll pray about it: "No, I'm probably not going to do it."

Just: "Father God, I just want to say that I'm bringing you this prayer request, so that you can just wreck my heart. I just want to be completely sold out for you. Just guide me, Lord."

Wrecked: This words usually has bad connotations, but not in Christianese. Examples:  "That song just wrecked me." "The worship really wrecked me." "He brought the word and it really wrecked me."

So, there you go! Use these words during your next fellowship time and you're good to go! Any more words come to mind?

#74. People Who Use Ministry to be Lazy

Ever met a guy (or gal) who had no idea what they were going to do with their lives until they felt "called" to ministry?

For some people, "doing ministry" is an excuse to avoid real life and growing up. It's also another excuse to not get a "real" job. In a completely unrelated topic, please send me any money you can  (I take checks, PayPal, credit cards, money orders and even Bitcoins) in order to fulfill a "calling" I just heard.

Now, of course, there are many Christian brothers and sisters doing a wonderful job in spreading the gospel, so I don't want to group them all together and make generalizations. Those folks are doing a real an hard job. But with that in mind, here are some red flags that should raise some suspicion in you:

"Tourist Destination"
Bob and Mary are always taking short term "missions" trips to either Hawaii, Florida or the Bahamas. Their "missionary" photos are usually taken in a badly lit hotel room (on purpose), but you can clearly see the beach behind them.

"The Vanished"
Speaking of Bob and Mary, after sending you a beautifully written letter with at least seven Bible verses, you haven't heard from then again. Bob and Mary have not left their house in a year. They haven't even left town. They also ignore your calls.

"Debt Ceiling"
Your friend Bob just finished seminary school and has a LOT of debt. You may get some letters soon.

"Good Sunday"
At some point in your friendship, your friend Bob mentioned how awesome it is that pastors "only" have to work  on Sundays.

"Prosperity"
Your friend's ministry hero and role model is Joel Osteen. That should be a given right there.

"Seminary Amnesia"
After spending four years in seminary school, Bob claims he has no life skills whatsoever, besides hermeneutics and theological treatises, of course. Want a job at Wal-Mart? No? Forgot how to push a cart? How about a job cleaning the church? No? Never heard of a mop either?

These six red flags should give you something to think about. Did I forget anything? Do you know anyone like this?

#73. Sexing Up the Song of Solomon

Hi pastors (not all of you, of course), we know that one of the interpretations of the Song of Solomon has to do with sex. We know because we have been recently bombarded with this all over the Interwebs. But, dude, chill. I don't need you to describe to me in detail what Solomon or his lady meant. There's a reason why it's a song, it's poetry and not 50 Shades of Grey.

Although my daughter is only one year old, I don't want her growing up in a church were a pastor and his wife preach from a bed or something freaky like that. Also, don't you think that by giving these explicit talks to the whole church, you are arousing lust in single people?

Now, for the rest of us:

Imagine then that you invite your non-believing friend for the first time to church and the pastor says, "Open up your Bible to the Song of Solomon," with a smirk on his face. Oh no. You know what's going down. But, there's still hope, you think. Maybe the pastor won't go into detail, or maybe he'll begin by saying how this serves as an allegory of Christ's love for his bride, the church.

But then he says, "And by 'pleasant fruits' she meant..."

Get your friend and run. Seriously.