#78. That One Friend on Instagram

Ah, Instagram. A place where you can follow accounts that suit all of your interests. From worship pastors who post way too many pictures of themselves on stage, to your typical Christian friend and her perfectly filtered devotional photos.

There are millions of accounts on Instagram, but every Christian on there has one friend who tends to take things to the next level. You know who I'm talking about.

This friend's captions read more like a devotional than anything else. Apparently, every single event in their life is worthy of massive introspection and a compulsion to overshare everything.Whereas a normal person would post a picture of their kids in the park with something like, "They had so much fun at the park!"

This friend of yours would post something like this:

"As they both went down the slide, I began to think about how life is like a long slide. It can be scary when you're looking down, way into the future, but as my kids know to trust me that I'm there to catch them, I know that the Father is there to catch us. Little Johnny scraped his knee while I was writing this post, but he knows that once we get home, I'll put on a band-aid, and this make me think about how the Father has also healed all the wounds of my heart. #blessed #intentional #nofilter #vsco #simpleliving #authenticliving"

Is every moment in life worthy of an epiphany? No, if it were so, we would have no time to actually live with all of these sudden "revelations." A day in the park can be just that; pure fun.

How would your friend caption the picture below?

#75. Speaking Regular English

One of the things they don't tell you when you become a Christian is that we have our own language. Sure, it sounds like English, but if you listen, and it doesn't have to be that closely, you'll notice that it is a completely different thing.

So, you want to learn Christianese before your friends start calling you a heathen? No worries, here's a few things you need to know!

Intentional: This is probably the most popular one right now. We can't just have a meeting, it has to be an "intentional" meeting. There's intentional living, intentional community, intentional dating, you name it. Everything has to be "intentional."

In Christian love: This phrase basically gives you the freedom to completely bash someone. "Hey, I'm telling you this in christian love, but your voice is horrible. When you sing, it sounds like someone is punching a goat, but I'm telling you this in christian love."

Fellowship: When you hangout with a group of secular friends, you're just hanging out. But, if all the people hanging out with you are Christian, then you're automatically having fellowship. We can't just hang out like regular people, we are fellowshipping. Yes, I just made it into a verb. Now, if you, a powerful ring and eight other people get together, you're in a different kind of fellowship. Call me.

Doing life together: Going along with the idea of "fellowshipping," there's doing life together. Again, if your friend is not a Christian, you're just having dinner at their house. However, if they are Christian, then you must certainly are doing life together.

Just sayin': This applies mostly to the online world. This phrase apparently gives you the right to be a complete jerk on Facebook and then end your statement with "just sayin'." For instance, "Your baby looks like Chewbacca. Just sayin'."

I see you like a brother/sister in Christ: This really means, "I don't like you that way." This is the Christian equivalent of being friend-zoned. Another version of this is, "I'm dating God right now." How can you compete with that?

Pursue: This sounds like something a stalker does, but Christians use this term when talking about someone they're interested in romatically. "I'm pursuing her." You are? Does she need to get a restraining order?

I'll pray about it: "No, I'm probably not going to do it."

Just: "Father God, I just want to say that I'm bringing you this prayer request, so that you can just wreck my heart. I just want to be completely sold out for you. Just guide me, Lord."

Wrecked: This words usually has bad connotations, but not in Christianese. Examples:  "That song just wrecked me." "The worship really wrecked me." "He brought the word and it really wrecked me."

So, there you go! Use these words during your next fellowship time and you're good to go! Any more words come to mind?

#72. Joel Osteen

I know, this is a controversial topic. Christians haven't been this divided...since countless of other recent topics. But why pick on happy-go-lucky Joel? Well, let's see, he refused to tell Larry King that Jesus is the only way to heaven. So, it seems to me that Joel Osteen wants everyone to like him, and this most certainly would have alienated him. His megabesteller, Your Best Life Now, is pretty much a recipe for positive thinking with a little God thrown in there to make it sound "Christian." There's no mention of sin, redemption, or the cross, which is weird for a Christian pastor.

In essence, Joel Osteen is a self-help teacher with a lot of New Age mumbo-jumbo mixed in. Speaking of New Age, here's a fun game. Can you tell which phrase comes from Joel Osteen and which one comes from the New Age bestseller The Secret? If you don't know, The Secret is essentially a collection of New Age maxims about positive thinking, health and wealth. I know, sounds like an Osteen book. Here's the quiz. Don't cheat!

Joel Osteen vs The Secret

QUESTION 1
“There is no such thing as a hopeless situation. Every single circumstances of your life can change! ” 

QUESTION 2
"Take time to make a difference. Think about  how you can make somebody else's life better."

QUESTION 3
"You will never change what you tolerate."

QUESTION 4
“Ask once, believe you have received, and all you have to do to receive is feel good.” 

QUESTION 5
“You cannot expect victory and plan for defeat.” 

QUESTION 6
"You will produce what you're continually seeing in your mind."

QUESTION 7
“You have to feel love to harness its power!” 

QUESTION 8
"Your thoughts become things!"

QUESTION 9
"Start calling yourself healed, happy, whole, blessed, and prosperous."

QUESTION 10
"You become what you think about most. But you also attract what you think about most."


How did you do?
Drag your mouse below to reveal the answers!
1-The Secret
2-Joel Osteen
3-Joel Osteen
4-The Secret
5-Joel Osteen
6-Joel Osteen
7-The Secret
8-The Secret
9-Joel Osteen
10-The Secret

#71. Unspoken Prayer Requests

The problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it lets people assume things.

Me: Anyone else has a prayer request?
Silent Bob: Yeah, I have an unspoken prayer request.
Me (my imagination): Hmm...he probably needs prayer because he started cooking and dealing crystal meth after he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He does seem thinner. I bet he'll grow a goatee and shave his head...

Did I just describe the plot to Breaking Bad? Maybe.

But the main problem with an unspoken prayer request is that it doesn't allow for fellowship. If we never confess our sins to each other and if we don't help each other with our struggles, it's really hard to heal.

#70. Demons in Plays

Oh, look, the youth group has prepared a play and they're going to share it with the whole church. Seeing as we serve a creative God, no doubt these inspired and energetic teenagers are going to find fresh ways to communicate the hope of the gospel. Oh, wait. There's a couple of hooded figures in the corner. Never mind. They are going to show demons trapping Christians, AGAIN. Oh, but don't worry, in the end someone dressed in white is going  to defeat the demons. This could be Jesus, an Angel, or Dumbledore. It's never really clear.

Is there no other way to show a Christian's struggle and hope in Jesus other than a Lifehouse song from six years ago and two pre-teens in old Halloween costumes?

I'm not saying that these plays are bad, but they are really overdone and cliché by now. Come on guys, we can do better than that.

                                         One google find of many

#50. People who don't like C.S. Lewis

If you have a profile on Facebook, have a Twitter, or a blog and you never once have quoted C.S. Lewis, repent now and go on a binge of quoting him. Seriously, do it now, and then come back and finish this post.

Finished? Okay, now that you're one of us, you can read the rest of this entry.

People who actually don't like C.S. Lewis must not like chocolate, honey nor rainbows. They must hate smiling, spending quality time with good friends and family, and they probably hate children too. It sounds like I'm describing Hitler, but it may well be your next door neighbor, because not liking C.S. Lewis equals all those things I've described.

But as the Bible, and C.S. Lewis I might add, would say, we need to love our neighbor. So, in order to show love to your neighbor, I've come up with a plan to encourage their growth and respect for C.S. Lewis, thus their love for all things good and sweet. Every week, evaluate their status updates on Facebook, Twitter, Blogger and any other social media outlet. Don't expect them to say they love C.S. Lewis right away, but instead, look for a gradual increase of their love. Below, are some examples of status updates to look for:

1-"I love Narnia!"
2-"I'm a Christian, so I love C.S. Lewis"
3-"I was born in Narnia."
4-"I really love the land of Middle Earth" (Tolkien references are accepted)
5-"The Return of the King is my favorite C.S. Lewis book."
6-"I've never read Mere Christianity, but I'm no mere Christian."
7-"Every day I hide in my wardrobe for two hours thinking of Narnia."
8-"My t-shirt reads, 'Team Aslam'"
9-"The Chronicles of Narnia are my favorite chronicle."
10-"The Screwtape Letters are the best letters I've read, strangest too."
11-"To be or not to be - C.S. Lewis." (This is borderline acceptable)
12-"Narnia is a sate of mind."

Can you think of anything else to encourage and love your neighbor? Do you know anyone who doesn't like C.S. Lewis? Send them this link!

#5. CNN

Doesn't CNN stand for Communist National Network? No? Well it certainly should. At least that's how we see it. Anything CNN says must be screened against whatever Fox news reporters have to say. And how can we trust Anderson Cooper with that perfectly white hair? There's no way he can keep that hair so white without any demonic powers. There's something going on there.

What do you think of CNN? Can it be trusted? And if you say it can be, then please explain Cooper's hair.